Temptation Island: A Whole New Kind of Stupid
Part 2 of 2

A friend of mine made an interesting point about last week's column: "i think the best part about your temptation island rant is the fact that you have seen the show." To which I replied, "not just the show. ALL of the shows."

It's true. Despite what you may have gotten out of my rant from last week, I am a fan of Temptation Island. I watch it every week. It is one of my guilty pleasures... one of those things I really wish I had the capacity to hate, but really enjoy. Like the Dave Matthews Band, Taco Bell, and child pornography.

(Note to the SlowKids: In order for this column to work comedically, you must now disregard the fact that I came up with the idea for the "Infomercial for Masturbation" sketch.) Now, I know what you all are thinking: "Alex Taft likes Temptation Island? How could a man with a repitoire of such fine tastes enjoy a show of such low intellect? This from the man who disliked Men In Black because of poor character development? I mean, he listens to jazz, people! JAZZ!" But sadly, it is true. Why, you ask?

There are a couple of reasons. First and foremost, Temptation Island is a bevy of material for my favorite subject about which to write: stupid people. Frankly, since leaving Boston University's College of General Studies, I have been at somewhat of a lack of stupid people. I have had to resort to picking on the President of the United States every week (there will be some of that this week, too). You can't find the kind of grade-A stupidity you find at CGS just anywhere. It's high quality stupidity. However, Temptation Island has given me a new source of material. If the stupidity on Temptation Island were alcohol, it would be 4 trillion proof.

Second, Temptation Island has great potential. Imagine having a celebrity edition of Temptation Island. No, celebrities are too smart. Imagine having a political edition of Temptation Island. Since this will never happen, I have made a fun matching game of who would say what on a political edition of Temptation Island! Enjoy!

The Politician What they would say
1. Bill Clinton a. "Although I believe that television shows like this one lead to the moral deterioration of America, being on this island has brung me to a very significant realimization about myself: I like boobies."
2. George W. Bush b. "Even though I have only been on the island a couple of hours, I feel I know the island well enough to run for the prestigious office of Sluttiest Ho in the Women's Camp."
3. Al Gore c. "I did not have sex with anyone on this island." (Cut to suggestive shot of this person rubbing coconut oil on his/her date, claiming it was an "executive order," and then giving the camera a thumbs-up)
4. Bob Dole d. "Do you remember when I ran for president? Now that was a fucking pipe dream. On a Republican ticket, no less. Holy shit. Can you believe I even got past the fucking Iowa Caucus? That was like finding a goddamn needle in a fucking haystack."
5. Hillary Clinton e. "For every three strangers my opponent humps, I will hump one. That is a 300% decrease in the number of strangers my opponent has proposed to hump on this island. His plan clearly favors the wealthy and the good-looking. It does not favor people like Ms. Penelope Granger of Ames, Iowa who spent more last year on Gigolos than she spent on dog food. That is simply not fair. That is not the American way."
6. Elizabeth Dole f. "Bob Dole's not having fun. Bob Dole forgot his Viagra™."

Click here for the answers!

7 February 2001