Temptation Island: A Whole New Kind of Stupid
Part 1 of 2

Imagine that the hit television show Survivor went to a bar one night and got really, really drunk. Survivor is giggly and tipsy and not on its best judgment. Survivor is feeling kind of horny. And the worst kind of horny: drunk and horny.

In walks the entire US Porn Industry, who, coincidentally enough, is also horny (big surprise). Except the Porn Industry is whacked out on ecstasy - the only thing worse than being drunk and horny.

To make matters even worse, the Porn Industry has convinced its good friend, the Fox Network, to be its sober friend and designated driver throughout all of this (interestingly enough, the Fox Network insists that it "drives better after it's had a couple." It also insists it "picks its fall lineup better after it's had a couple. Well, a few more than a couple)."

It doesn't take long for the randy Survivor and the insatiable Porn Industry to get to talking. Meanwhile, Fox is hanging out by the bar hitting on an Animal that looks like it might want to Attack Again, occasionally checking on the Porn Industry to make sure it doesn't lick anything off the floor. It also doesn't take long for Survivor and the Porn Industry to decide that they should go home together. Fox makes a minimal effort to discourage them, but doesn't really care that much, because Fox is pretty loaded at this point and thinking about going home with "When Animals Attack Again."

Survivor and the Porn Industry head down the road to a Motel 6 where they have the kind of sex that only Survivor and the Porn Industry can have; filthy and naked, with lots of fake orgasms.

Nine months later, a love child is born out of this one-night romance. Its name: Temptation Island. Feeling that it has let its position as the Porn Industry's guide down, Fox decides to take Temptation Island under its wing and raise it. And after having "a couple," decides to put it in its prime-time lineup right next to When Animals Attack Part XLVI.

Needless to say, the American Public is addicted.

In medieval times, people would watch public executions and torture for entertainment. Most people in today's society think that such a lack of display for a human life is sickening. Fox has proved that we have not moved to far beyond this low form of entertainment with Temptation Island's success. (There, now I don't feel so guilty about owning those six Faces of Death videos) For those of you that have never seen Temptation Island, allow me to explain the premise of the show:

There are four serious couples that go on the show wondering if their relationships are really meant to be, or if they can be lured away by 13 sexy singles of the opposite sex while living on a sexy island with sexy housing, sexy food, and lots of alcohol provided for free by Fox. The couples are not allowed to talk to their significant others for the two week period on the island.

My question is, what goes through one's thought process when deciding to put yourself - and your partner - through this? How do the people on this show decide they want to go through with this?

Man: I love you, honey.
Woman: I love you, too.
Man: These past six years have been the best of my life.
Woman: Me, too.
Man: I think that we should settle down.
Woman: Sometimes I think we should, too... but then...
Man: What is it, honey?
Woman: Well, sometimes I wonder about our relationship. Can it withstand anything? How do I really know if you are the one?
Man: I wonder about that sometimes, too. If only there was a way to test it.
Woman: If only there was an island... a Temptation Island, if you will... where we could go and be confronted by 13 ridiculously attractive and slutty members of the opposite sex whose job it is to seduce us in order to make a captivating national television show.
Man: Yeah! Then we would know if we were really right for each other!

As you can imagine, these people are not the smartest. In fact, if I were to write a recipe on how to make Temptation Island, I would describe it like this:

1. Take the 34 stupidest people you have ever met in your life, half men, half women.
2. Put them on an island.
3. Add alcohol.
4. Videotape until done.

My favorite person on Temptation Island is, by far, Mandy. Why? Because she is the stupidest person I have ever seen on television, with the possible exception of President Bush.

The most memorable quote from Mandy is when she is describing her relationship with one of the "sexy tempters" of the island, Johnny. Mandy is gazing into the camera, doing a Real-World style confession and quips, "Johnny is such a deep, deep deep person." Immediately following that shot is a closeup of Johnny's nipple, where he is rubbing a slice of tomato. Needless to say, Mandy licks off the sexy juices immediately thereafter.

However, other than Mandy's extreme stupidity (and there is plenty more where that came from), one of the most entertaining parts of the show is when the couples send videotapes to one another, their only means of communication. The rules are that they can send a video message, a maximum of sixty seconds, to their partner. I like this part because, invariably, the videotapes start off with the couple's significant other saying "Hi, honey, it's me."

NO! It is? I thought it was somebody wearing a mask that looked just like your face! It's a good thing you identified yourself, or I never would have guessed who it was!

1 February 2001

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