Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.


Screenplay by

Alex Taft



July 26, 2001

©2001, Alex Taft



               FADE IN:
               EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
               One empty parking spot remains in a church parking lot.  
               BEGIN TITLES
               The ROAR of a MOTORCYCLE (O.S.) gets louder... louder...
               louder, a SCREECH, and then finally the motorcycle pulls into
               the spot.  All we can see is the driver's big black boot, and
               possibly the back wheel.
               A finished cigarette drops to the ground.  It is extinguished
               by the big black boot.  
               The camera slowly TILTS up the Driver's body.  He is dressed
               entirely in black.  As the camera TILTS up toward the
               Driver's black leather jacket, we see him withdraw a FLASK
               which is embossed with a crucifix.  
               The camera FOLLOWS the flask to a 
               CLOSE UP of FATHER BRUCE O'REILLY.  On the way up, we notice
               that under the leather jacket Father Bruce is wearing the
               traditional collar of a priest.   
               END TITLES
               As Father Bruce steps out of his close up, the camera FOCUSES
               on a signpost which has two signs on it.  The first sign is a
               regular-looking "No Parking" sign which reads: CLERGY PARKING
               Below it, nailed to the signpost, is a poorly-made wooden
               sign which, in red paint declares: PARK HERE AND GO TO HELL --
               THE MANAGEMENT
                                                       CUT TO:
                                                       CUT TO:
               INT. ST. MICHAEL'S CHURCH - DAY
               BROTHER JENKINS is an assistant to Father Bruce at St.
               Michael's.  He is kind of nerdy, kind of spineless.  Although
               Jenkins is apprehensive about Bruce's style, we can sense
               some camaraderie between the two of them.
               Brother Jenkins approaches Father Bruce and the camera
               FOLLOWS them as they make their way through the church.
                         Father O'Reilly!  
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Brother Jenkins, how many times do
                         I have to tell you, call me Father
                         Father O'Reilly, I just don't think
                         that --
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Listen, Jenkins, you can call me
                         vagina face for all I care, just
                         don't call me Father O'Reilly.
               SHOT - JENKINS
               Jenkins is visibly shocked, but manages to compose himself
               and get down to business.
                         Father Bruce.  Well, sir, I just
                         thought that I ought to come tell
                         you that the Bishop came in again
                         this morning.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         That old fucker?  What'd he want
                         this time?
                         Well, he seemed to be pretty upset
                         about your Sunday sermon.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Yeah, that was a doozy.
                         With all due respect, Bruce, I
                         hardly think "Cool the fuck out and
                         forgive" was an appropriate theme
                         for the sermon.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Shit, Jenkins.  What do you have
                         against forgiveness?  
                         It's a good fucking thing, you
                         know.  Love thy neighbor and all
                         that shit...
               Father Bruce lights a cigarette and starts walking towards
               his office.  
               The camera FOLLOWS Father Bruce and Jenkins as they walk
               towards Bruce's office.
                         Well, whether or not I approve of
                         it, the Bishop caught wind of it
                         from one of our parishioners, and
                         he is not happy about it.  He says
                         that he needs to talk to you
                                   FATHER BRUCE
               Bruce flicks his cigarette offscreen.
               Father Bruce's cigarette lands in the holy water and
               extinguishes with a SIZZLE.  Father Bruce and BISHOP HARDING
               begin their conversation over this shot.
                                   FATHER BRUCE'S VOICE
                         Bishop Harding... it's Father Bruce
                         O'Reilly.  I'm sorry to bother you
                         at home, but Brother Jenkins told
                         me that you called.
                                   BISHOP HARDING'S VOICE
                         That's all right, Father O'Reilly. 
                         I'm glad you returned my call so
                                                       CUT TO:
               Father Bruce is on the phone with the bishop continuing the
               conversation started in the last scene.
               Father Bruce's office is a mess.  There are files and papers
               lying everywhere.  There is an Apple Computer "Think
               Different" poster on the wall featuring a photo of Miles
               Davis.  Father Bruce has an ORANGE IMAC COMPUTER which has a
               bumper sticker on it that says "Jesus loves you.
               Everyone else thinks you're an asshole."  There is also a
               COFFEE MAKER and an ASHTRAY.
               INTERCUT telephone conversation between Father Bruce and
               BISHOP HARDING.
               Father Bruce is frustrated and stressed out by this whole
               situation.  He is chain-smoking during their conversation.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Look, Bishop... You guys have been
                         struggling to recruit young people
                         to the church for years, and here 
                         I am in Hyde Park, right next to
                         the University of Chicago, bringing
                         them out in droves, but I still
                         can't catch a break with you
               Bishop Harding is a conservative old man who is constantly
               wearing a GIANT BISHOP'S HAT.  In this scene, he should be at
               home, wearing pajamas or a smoking robe or something that one
               would only wear at home.  Of course, he is still wearing the
               It is clear that Bishop Harding likes the fact that Father
               Bruce is bringing in new blood to the church; but he is by no
               means sympathetic.
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Father O'Reilly...
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Bruce, Bishop.  Call me Bruce.
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Bruce, as much as we appreciate
                         your efforts to go out and bring in
                         the young people, they don't bring
                         any money to the church.  It is the
                         older people in your parish that
                         bring the money that keep the
                         church alive.  
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         So they got upset about one sermon. 
                         Can't you just, you know, turn the
                         other cheek?
                             (he laughs sheepishly.)
               SHOT - BISHOP HARDING
               The Bishop does not think the joke was funny.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Father Bruce, it wasn't just last
                         Sunday.  I have had complaints
                         about the content of almost every
                         single sermon...
               He picks up a list.
                                   BISHOP HARDING (CONT'D)
                         "What were they smoking when they
                         wrote Revelation?"... "Mary
                         Magdalene: the Holiest of the Hos"
                         ... "Judas was a pussy"...
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Okay, Okay, I see your point.  But
                         listen, Bishop, it's not about
                         pleasing the old folks! It's about
                         bringing new flesh and blood into
                         the Catholic church and having them
                         discover that Catholicism doesn't
                         have to be all about sexual
                         repression!  I'm trying to show
                         these kids - and the older folks -
                         that Catholics can have fun, too!
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Father Bruce, you and I both know
                         that that is simply not true!
                             (a beat)
                         Bruce, I would love to see your
                         parish thrive on ramen noodles and
                         Gino's East Pizza coupons, but
                         neither of those things are going
                         to pay the heating bills.  Now,
                         Bruce, I hate to bring it down to
                         this, but either you clean up your
                         act, or we will be forced to
                         consider excommunication.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Fine!  Just don't come crying to me
                         in thirty years when the entire
                         Catholic population of Chicago is
               He slams down the phone.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Fucking bishop.
               INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
               We are in a typical coffee shop that one would find in a
               college neighborhood.  There are lots of COFFEE SHOP PATRONS -
               mostly students - studying and chatting over coffee in the
               SHOT - FATHER BRUCE'S TABLE
               Father Bruce has been hard at work.  There is a BIBLE,
               several crumpled up pages, an EMPTY COFFEE CUP, and an
               ashtray piled high with cigarette butts on the table.
               ANGLE - FATHER BRUCE
               It is later in the week.  Father Bruce is wearing the
               traditional Priest getup with a black leather jacket.  Father
               Bruce is smoking a cigarette and writing furiously in a
               notebook while occasionally glancing at his bible.  He looks
               like crap.  His hair is messed up, he has circles under his
               eyes.  He looks like he has been writing for twenty-four
               hours straight.  He is frustrated.
               His body language grows slowly more and more agitated.  He is
               pressing the pen harder and harder into the paper. 
               Eventually, he just stabs the notebook with the pen, and
               noisily crumples up the paper.  Furious, Bruce throws the
               paper onto the table and slams the notebook on the ground. 
               He picks up his bible, unable to control his rage any longer.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         This is shit!  This is complete and
                         utter bullshit!
               The COFFEE SHOP PATRONS are all staring at Father Bruce.  
                                   FATHER BRUCE
               He sits down.
               RENEE THOMAS is a student at the University of Chicago.  She
               is witty and intelligent.  She is good-looking, but not
               gorgeous.  Her wardrobe seems to be more comfort-oriented
               rather than fashion oriented.
               Renee approaches the table.
                         Looks like you could use a break.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                             (seriously - he does not
                              want to take a break)
                         Renee - I can't.  I have to write
                         this sermon for Sunday and I'm just
                         totally swamped.
                         Bruce, you really should take a
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Oh yeah?  What makes you say that?
                         Well, it could be the 450
                         cigarettes in your ashtray... Or it
                         might just be the fact that you
                         just screamed to the greater
                         Chicagoland area about how "it's
                         all bullshit" with a Bible in your
               A beat.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Sit down.
               He starts clearing the table to make room for her.
               A WAITRESS approaches.
                             (to Renee)
                         Can I get you something?
                         A cup of coffee, please.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         And I'll have a refill.
               He holds up the cup for the waitress.  His hand is shaking.
                         Make his decaf.
               The waitress leaves.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         What would I do without you, Renee?
                         Die of heart palpitations on your
                         next cup of regular.  What is the
                         matter with you anyway?
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Renee, if I tell you something,
                         will you promise to keep it on the
                         down low?
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Are you sure?
                         Somehow I think lying to a priest
                         would not be in my best interests
                         with the man upstairs.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         The bishop is threatening to
                         excommunicate my ass unless I act
                         like every other two-bit priest in
                         this fucking city.
                         What?!?  He can't do that!  You've
                         increased church attendance like
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         I know, but it's all college
                         students who are coming out. 
                         College students, as you know, are
                         poor.  College students do not make
                         any donations to St. Mike's.  In
                         short, the church is going broke
                         because I'm drawing the wrong kind
                         of people.
                         But you're not drawing the wrong
                         kind of people!  You're drawing the
                         people that need to be touched
                         spiritually the most! 
                         In twenty years, these people will
                         be donating the most money to the
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         I don't think Bishop Harding is
                         concerned about money on a long
                         term basis.  It's not like
                         Catholicism is in any danger of
                         But what you're doing is more
                         important than money!  You are
                         spiritually inspiring the young
                         Catholics.  I mean, look at me. 
                         Before I heard about you, I hadn't
                         been to church in seven years.  Now
                         I'm there every Sunday.  Think of
                         how many students in your parish
                         have the same story!
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Yeah.  I guess.  But that doesn't
                         bring in any money.  I'm beginning
                         to think that Bishop Harding is
                         right.  It doesn't matter how many
                         young people I bring in.  The
                         church has bills to pay.  And the
                         young people just aren't going to
                         pay them.
               A pause.  Renee looks like she wants to say something, but
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         Look, Renee... I gotta go.  It was
                         good to see you.
               Father Bruce picks up his stuff, drops some cash on the table
               and then leaves.
               ANGLE - RENEE
               She looks disheartened as we can see Father Bruce exiting the
               coffee shop in the background.
               INT. - ST. MICHAEL'S CHAPEL - DAY
               INSERT TITLE - 'THAT SUNDAY'
               It is the Sunday mass.  They are just finishing up with the
               communion.  The last members of the CONGREGATION have just
               sat down.  The church is packed. 
               The congregation contains mostly college-age people, who are
               informally dressed.  Jeans and t-shirts and piercings are
               common throughout the young congregation.  There is an
               occasional older person, but they are rare.
               As the last of the congregation gets seated, we can hear
               ORGAN MUSIC gently coming to a close in the background.
               ANGLE - FATHER BRUCE
               Bruce looks nervous.  He has shaved his goatee and stubble
               off and his hair is neat and combed.  Beads of sweat are
               forming on his forehead.  He is clearly not ready to give a
               'normal' sermon.
               SHOT - CONGREGATION
               They are all staring straight forward, waiting for Bruce to
               approach the pulpit to deliver the sermon.  Bruce is frozen
               ANGLE - FATHER BRUCE
               He is still frozen stiff, scared as all hell.
               ANGLE - JENKINS
               Jenkins is starting to get visibly uneasy as the
               uncomfortable silence gets longer.
               SHOT - CONGREGATION
               Still staring straight forward at Bruce.
               CLOSE UP - FATHER BRUCE
               Still sweating, still scared stiff.
               ANGLE - JENKINS
               Becoming more nervous.  Jenkins decides to approach Father
               Bruce.  He takes one step towards Bruce when Bruce snaps out
               of his trance.
               CONGREGATION'S POV
               Father Bruce picks up the chalice which contains the
               remainder of the communion wine and chugs it.
               We FOLLOW Father Bruce to the pulpit.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         The Lord be with you.
               SHOT - CONGREGATION
                             (in unison)
                         And also with you.
               ANGLE - FATHER BRUCE
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Today, I wanted to talk about
                             (looks down at notes)
               Scrawled on a single piece of notebook paper in a big black
               marker, they read:
                         1. ACT LIKE A SQUARE.
                         2. DON'T FUCK UP!!!!!
               BACK TO SCENE
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         -- the gospel.
                             (clears throat)
                         Today's gospel is about sacrifice. 
                         Every week we at the church ask you
                         to sacrifice some of your hard
                         earned money to help us keep going. 
                         You know, to pay for stuff.
                             (clears throat again)
                         But last week, we only got seven
                         dollars and a coupon for buy one
                         get one free at Boston Blackie's on
               The congregation lets out a SLIGHT LAUGH.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         Sure, we didn't make a lot of
                         money, but neither do you guys. 
                         The woman in the gospel today only
                         gave a little bit to the church. 
                         But as Jesus pointed out, her heart
                         was a whole fff--
                             (he stops himself from
                         -fflot bigger than the guy who
                         donated a lot of money to the
                         church, because that little bit
                         meant more to her than the big lot
                         did to the rich dude. 
                         So the point of all this is that
                         sacrificing is about percentage. 
                         That's why we have an increasingly
                         scaled federal income tax.
               A beat.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                             (quickly, wanting to get
                              it overwith)
                         In Jesus' name, Amen.
               SHOT - CONGREGATION
               The congregation is silent.  They are shocked.
               SHOT - FATHER BRUCE
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                             (raising his voice)
                         I said, "Amen!"
                             (unsure, not quite in
                                                       CUT TO:
               INT. - ST. MICHAEL'S CHURCH - LATER
               The service is over.  Father Bruce is shaking hands with the
               churchgoers as they leave.
               STEVE is a young white guy who desperately wants to be black. 
               You can tell by his speech and dress.  
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Good morning, Steven.
                         Steven?  Yo, what's wit you, Father
                         B?  Yo' ass is all twisted around
                         this morning!
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Steven, I'm afraid matters have
                         become such that I have to change
                         the format of my services.
                         What?!?  Nigga, you gots ta be
                         bustin' my ass!
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Now, Steven, there's no need for
                         that kind of language here.
                         Shit, B!  Sounds like yo' ass got
                         influenced by the man.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         I'm afraid it's become much more
                         complex than that, Steve.
                         Oh, yeah?  Well, complex this,
                         muthafucka.  I ain't coming next
                         Sunday.  Sheeit.
               Steve exits the church.
               Renee is behind Steve.  She is very upset, near tears.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         I can't believe you.  I really
                         thought that you were going to
                         stick to your guns.  
               She leaves.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Renee... I can explain... Renee!
               FATHER BRUCE'S POV
               We watch Renee walk away from the church.
                                                       DISSOLVE TO:
               INT. - ST. MICHAEL'S CHAPEL - DAY
               It is later that day.  The church is empty and Father Bruce
               is sitting with his head in his hands on the front pew.  He
               is holding a lit cigarette in one of his hands.
               Jenkins sits down next to him and puts his hand on Bruce's
                         Bruce, I... I just wanted to let
                         you know that I think you're doing
                         the right thing.  I mean, you've
                         drawn a very important line for
                         yourself.  You have shown that
                         trying to keep your own parish is
                         more important to you than trying
                         to impress those students.  
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         They're young, Bruce.  They'll get
                         over it.
               Bruce's CELL PHONE RINGS.  He pulls it out of his shirt
               pocket and answers it.
               INTERCUT Bishop's telephone conversation with Father Bruce.
               Bishop Harding is at home again, but this time he is walking
               on his TREADMILL.  He is wearing a WORKOUT OUTFIT, like a
               sweatsuit, or a running jacket and warm-ups.  He is - of
               course - wearing the BISHOP'S HAT.  He talks on a cordless
               phone while walking on his treadmill.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Bruce!  I heard good things about
                         you this morning!
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Really?  I didn't.
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Oh, Bruce.  I'm glad to hear you're
                         keeping your sense of humor about
                         you through this difficult time of
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                             (A grunt/groan)
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         At any rate, Bruce, I was so
                         pleased to hear about your
                         performance that I decided to
                         invite Archbishop Drake to your
                         sermon next Sunday to show him your
                         rapid improvement!
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         The Archbishop?
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Next Sunday?
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         What was that?
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         I mean, uh, great. 
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         We'll see you next Sunday, Father
               Bruce hangs up without a word.
                         Archbishop Drake is coming next
               Father Bruce nods.
               Father Bruce gives Jenkins a look, with a half-smirk on his
               face.  Jenkins looks awkward and embarrassed and exits the
               SERIES OF SHOTS
               A)	Father Bruce in the coffee shop we saw him in earlier. 
                    He is frustrated and is surrounded by crumpled up pieces
                    of paper and an ashtray full of cigarettes.  He is
                    furiously writing something down on a piece of paper.
               B) 	A similar shot as before.  Father Bruce is in his
                    office, this time, typing furiously on his computer.  A
                    full pot of coffee and an ashtray full of cigarette
                    butts sits next to him.  He starts to get drowsy and
                    eventually falls asleep.
               C) 	A SLOW MOTION shot of Father Bruce and Jenkins, dressed
                    in full clergy dress at a carnival or an amusement park. 
                    They are playing a carnival game that involves squirt
                    guns.  Jenkins turns his gun and starts squirting Father
                    Bruce, who laughs and shoots back.  They are laughing
                    joyously and squirting one another.  
                    The WOMAN working at the booth smiles and gives them
                    both an enormous stuffed animal.  They laugh and jump up
                    and down, giggling with glee.  
                                   JENKINS' VOICE
                         Bruce.... Bruce... Bruce...
                                                       CUT TO:

               We realize that the carnival scene has been a dream.  It is
               Jenkins' voice in the dream that is blending in with reality. 
               Jenkins is trying to rouse Bruce, who is asleep and drooling
               on his desk.
                         Bruce?  Bruce... Bruuuuce....
               Father Bruce finally snaps out of his slumber.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Bruce, you've been working for like
                         30 straight hours.  Maybe you
                         should get some rest.
               Father Bruce looks around a little bit to get re-oriented.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Uh... Yeah.  Yeah, I think you're
               Father Bruce exits the office and gives Jenkins a funny look
               as he leaves.  Jenkins is visibly confused at the stare.
                                                       DISSOLVE TO:
               INT. - ST. MICHAEL'S CHAPEL - DAY
               It is a scene similar to the Sunday before - a packed house. 
               Archbishop Drake is another old white guy, except he is even
               older than Bishop Harding.  He should be wearing glasses and
               be wearing a hat nearly twice the size than that of Bishop
               INSERT TITLE - 'SUNDAY'
               In the background we can hear ORGAN MUSIC coming to a slow
               Father Bruce steps up to the pulpit to speak.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         The lord be with you.
                         And also with you.
               Father Bruce takes a deep breath before he begins. 
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Many of you were here last week for
                         the sermon.
               ANGLE - RENEE
               Renee is sitting in the pews, looking hopeful.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (O.S.)
                         A sermon, which, for this church,
                         was rather unorthodox.
               SHOT - FATHER BRUCE
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         A lot of you that are here from
                         last week come here every Sunday. 
                         And I really, truly appreciate
                         that.  As a Christian, and as a
                         priest to such a loyal
                         congregation, I feel that I owe it
                         to you all to be completely and
                         totally honest with you.
               SHOT - STEVE
               Steve is just entering the church through the rear entrance.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (O.S.)
                         And I have not been completely
                         honest with you.
               SHOT - FATHER BRUCE
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         I have been threatened to be
                         excommunicated from the church.
               AD LIB reaction of surprise, disappointment from the
               Bishop Harding looks furious and starts to stand up. 
               Archbishop Drake stops him and leans over to whisper
               something in his ear.
               SHOT - FATHER BRUCE
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         Since most of you are college
                         students, and can barely afford to
                         pay for a six-pack of Pabst Blue
               LAUGHTER from the congregation.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         ...spending money on your church is
                         not your utmost priority.  Sure,
                         this church doesn't make a lot of
                         money, but I don't think that's
                         really it.
               Father Bruce glances in the direction of Bishop Harding and
               Archbishop Drake.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         I think it's me.
               A beat.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         When I was young, I hated going to
                         church.  I hated sitting down and
                         saying the same thing over and over
                         again and listen to some white guy
                         who I didn't even know tell me how
                         to live my life.
               Steve stands up.
               Everyone in the congregation turns and stares at Steve. 
               There is an awkward silence as Steve slowly sits down, trying
               hard not to not look embarrassed and still look macho.
               SHOT - FATHER BRUCE
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         So when I decided to dedicate my
                         life to God, I decided that I
                         wasn't going to be like every other
                         priest.  I wasn't going to have
                         sermons like every other priest. 
                         Why should I?  I am not like them. 
                         They are not like me.  Hell, they
                         are not like one another.  God
                         created us all to be completely
                         different from one another.  And
                         that is something that we should
                         celebrate, every single day. 
                         Everyone is going to have a unique
                         relationship with God, just as
                         everyone is unique themselves.
               A beat.
                                   FATHER BRUCE (CONT'D)
                         Now, instead of everybody reciting
                         the Nicene Creed like a bunch of
                         creepy catholic cyborgs, I want
                         everyone to say something that
                         reflects their individual
                         relationship with God.  I'll give
                         you a minute to think about it.
               A pause.
               INT. - ST. MICHAEL'S CHAPEL - DAY
               It is later on.  All of the parishioners have cleared out of
               the church and the only ones left are Father Bruce, Bishop
               Harding, Archbishop Drake, and Brother Jenkins.
                                   BISHOP HARDING
                         Well, Father Bruce, I must admit
                         that Archbishop Drake and I were
                         overwhelmed by your sermon.
               For the first time, we hear Archbishop Drake speak.  He has
               an incredibly thick Chicago accent.
                                   ARCHBISHOP DRAKE
                         Very nice, Father.  Very good
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Listen... I'm going to level with
                         you, here.  I don't really care
                         what you two thought of my sermon. 
                         What I do want to know is this: Am
                         I in, or am I out?
                                   ARCHBISHOP DRAKE
                         Father Bruce, Bishop Harding and I
                         were so touched by your message of
                         individuality and by your ability
                         to bring in the youth to the
                         service, that we would like to
                         recommend you for a position as a
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Well, guys, thanks... But no
                         thanks.  My place is right here at
                         St. Mike's.
                                   ARCHBISHOP DRAKE
                         Suit yourself.  
                             (to Bishop Harding)
                         You wanna go get a Walker Brothers?
               Father Bruce and Archbishop Drake leave.
               They are walking slowly towards the front of the church.
                         Bruce, that was a really great
                         sermon you gave today.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Thanks, Jenkins.
                         Hey, Bruce...Call me Ignatius.
               Father Bruce stops him.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Wait, your first name is Ignatius?
                         Yeah.  Why, wha--
               From nowhere, Steve and Renee run into the shot holding
               hands, interrupting Jenkins.
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         Hey, you guys!
                         Father Bruce, Steve and I have some
                         great news!
                                   FATHER BRUCE
                         You guys know each other?
               Renee and Steve look at each other.
                                   RENEE AND STEVE
                         We're getting married!
                         And we want you to perform the
                         wedding, B!
               Father Bruce is overcome with joy and shock at once.  AD LIB
               appropriate reaction. 
               Father Bruce faints.
               Jenkins, Renee and Steve all laugh.
               Jenkins bends over, out of the camera's view.
                                   JENKINS (O.S.)
                         Hey, guys, he's not breathing.
               Renee and Steve look at each other awkwardly.  
               Jenkins stands up, returning to the shot.
                         Just kidding!
               They all start laughing again.
                         Hey, look, now he's foaming at the
               They laugh harder.
                         We really should call an ambulance!
               They laugh even harder.
               FREEZE FRAME
                                                       FADE OUT.
                                         THE END