Uncle Jims 24-Hour Carwash
Stoned Kids #1 and #2
Hannah is sitting at a table with a calculator and sheets of paper. Uncle Jim is sitting at the table, looking apprehensively at her calculations.
Hannah: Im sorry Uncle Jim, but the numbers just dont add up. Theres just no way you can keep the car wash open 24 hours a day.
Uncle Jim (stands up, turns his back to Hannah): DAMMIT! Im sorry, Hannah; its not your fault. In fact, youve been very nice to offer your accounting services free of charge to such a silly old man.
Hannah: Youre not a silly old man
Uncle Jim: Dont placate me, Hannah. I know the truth. You know, ever since I was a little boy, all I ever wanted was to have a 24-hour carwash. I dreamed of a world in which people could get their cars washed at 2 oclock in the morning if they wanted. But it seems that today the dream must die.
Hannah: Im sorry, Uncle Jim. If its any consolation, you can still afford to keep the carwash open during the day.
Uncle Jim: I know. But its not the same, Hannah. I had a dream. A dream that when I was walking down the street, people would say, Hey, look! There goes Uncle Jim. He revolutionized the carwash. Everyone said he was crazy because he wanted to open a 24-hour carwash, but then people slowly but surely started to realize the simple pleasures of getting a carwash in the middle of the night, or on the way home from their graveyard shift at the hospital. I dreamt of a world in which people would let their troubles get whisked away by the bubbles, hot carnuba wax, and for $2.95 extra, a protective wheel wash.
Hannah: Youre a sad man, Uncle Jim.
Uncle Jim (ignoring Hannah): But instead, the only people who come in are these guys.
Enter the two stoned kids. Stoned kid #1 does all the talking, while stoned kid #2 giggles.
Stoned Kid #1: Hi, Uncle Jim.
Uncle Jim: Hi, Dweezil.
Stoned Kid #1: Id like one carwash please.
Uncle Jim: You dont have a car, kid. Ive told you that every night youve been in here.
Stoned Kid #2: And every night, we pay 4.95 to play in the sprinklers.
UJ: Those arent sprinklers. Those are a hot wax bath.
SK1: Whatever, man. You cant keep us down.
They exit to Eclipse by Pink Floyd.
Uncle Jim: (to Hannah) Those guys have been here every night this week. At least someone else out there shares my vision.
Hannah (unimpressed): Yeah. At least theres that.
Uncle Jim: Well, I guess its about time to close up shop. But first, theres one thing I should do.
Hannah: Whats that?
Uncle Jim: Get my car washed, Hannah. (pause; thoughfully:) Get... my car washed.
He heads toward the Exit of the shop.
Hannah: Uncle Jim, you dont have a car. You sold it so that you could keep the carwash open all night.
Uncle Jim: Could I borrow your car?
Uncle Jim: Im dying, Hannah.
Hannah: Are you saying that just so you can take my car through the carwash?
Uncle Jim: Yes.
Hannah: Good night, Uncle Jim. (She exits)
Creepy Church Guy
Enter Creepy Church Guy
Creepy Church Guy: Are you down on your luck? Tired of loathing life and yourself? Then maybe its time you looked to Jesus to solve your problems.
Uncle Jim: Jesus? Oh, I dont know. I havent been to church in a long time. And when I go, its just so boring. I think Id just rather spend my Sundays watching football, drinking beer and masturbating.
CCG punches Uncle Jim in the face.
UJ: Ow! What the hell was that for?
CCG: For living a life of sin!
UJ: I thought Christianity was about loving your neighbor.
CCG: Sure it is, but at the Shroud, we serve up church with an attitude!
UJ: Church with an attitude? What do you mean by that?
CCG: Just listen to these real-life testimonials
T1 (Robotically, as if reading off of a cue card): Before I went to the Shroud, I was hopeless. I had no job, I was an alcoholic, and my wife left me for a used car salesman. But now that I have been to the Shroud, I understand that God has a plan for me, and that plan involves Church with an attitude.
UJ: Well, Im still skeptical. I mean, sure, youve changed someones life, but can you really make church exciting? What is this church with an attitude I keep hearing you talk about?
CCG: We take all of the elements of regular church, and attitudeify them.
CCG: We have a guitar and the pastors wear khakis.
UJ: Thats not much attitude.
CCG (punches UJ in the face again): Listen to another testimonial!
T2: At The Shroud, they talk about issues that affect my life, in a language that I can understand, by using words like guys, cool, like, and internet.
UJ: Oh, Im just an old man. I dont think I need a church with attitude.
CCG: You dont think so? Check out what this decrepit old vegetable had to say about our church.
T3 (robot voice): Please feed me. I want to go home. I have a diaper rash. Oh no. Not my voice. Stop (cuts off).
CCG: See? Everybody loves the Shroud! From the very young, to the old and defenseless!
UJ: Well, it still sounds like it would suck.
CCG: Well, I have balloon animals. Do you like balloon animals?
CCG: Balloon animals are fun. Everybody likes balloon animals. Look, heres a snake.
Pulls out a balloon which has clearly not been shaped at all.
End of sketch.