Uncle Jim’s 24-Hour Carwash

Uncle Jim
Stoned Kids #1 and #2

Hannah is sitting at a table with a calculator and sheets of paper. Uncle Jim is sitting at the table, looking apprehensively at her calculations.

Hannah: I’m sorry Uncle Jim, but the numbers just don’t add up. There’s just no way you can keep the car wash open 24 hours a day.

Uncle Jim (stands up, turns his back to Hannah): DAMMIT! I’m sorry, Hannah; it’s not your fault. In fact, you’ve been very nice to offer your accounting services free of charge to such a silly old man.

Hannah: You’re not a silly old man…

Uncle Jim: Don’t placate me, Hannah. I know the truth. You know, ever since I was a little boy, all I ever wanted was to have a 24-hour carwash. I dreamed of a world in which people could get their cars washed at 2 o’clock in the morning if they wanted. But it seems that today the dream must die.

Hannah: I’m sorry, Uncle Jim. If it’s any consolation, you can still afford to keep the carwash open during the day.

Uncle Jim: I know. But it’s not the same, Hannah. I had a dream. A dream that when I was walking down the street, people would say, “Hey, look! There goes Uncle Jim. He revolutionized the carwash. Everyone said he was crazy because he wanted to open a 24-hour carwash, but then people slowly but surely started to realize the simple pleasures of getting a carwash in the middle of the night, or on the way home from their graveyard shift at the hospital. I dreamt of a world in which people would let their troubles get whisked away by the bubbles, hot carnuba wax, and for $2.95 extra, a protective wheel wash.

Hannah: You’re a sad man, Uncle Jim.

Uncle Jim (ignoring Hannah): But instead, the only people who come in are these guys.

Enter the two stoned kids. Stoned kid #1 does all the talking, while stoned kid #2 giggles.

Stoned Kid #1: Hi, Uncle Jim.

Uncle Jim: Hi, Dweezil.

Stoned Kid #1: I’d like one carwash please.

Uncle Jim: You don’t have a car, kid. I’ve told you that every night you’ve been in here.

Stoned Kid #2: And every night, we pay 4.95 to play in the sprinklers.

UJ: Those aren’t sprinklers. Those are a hot wax bath.

SK1: Whatever, man. You can’t keep us down.

They exit to “Eclipse” by Pink Floyd.

Uncle Jim: (to Hannah) Those guys have been here every night this week. At least someone else out there shares my vision.

Hannah (unimpressed): Yeah. At least there’s that.

Uncle Jim: Well, I guess it’s about time to close up shop. But first, there’s one thing I should do.

Hannah: What’s that?

Uncle Jim: Get my car washed, Hannah. (pause; thoughfully:) Get... my car washed.

He heads toward the Exit of the shop.

Hannah: Uncle Jim, you don’t have a car. You sold it so that you could keep the carwash open all night.

Uncle Jim: Could I borrow your car?

Hannah: No.


Uncle Jim: I’m dying, Hannah.

Hannah: Are you saying that just so you can take my car through the carwash?

Uncle Jim: Yes.

Hannah: Good night, Uncle Jim. (She exits)

The Shroud

Creepy Church Guy
Uncle Jim
Testimonial #1
Testimonial #2
Testimonial #3

Enter Creepy Church Guy

Creepy Church Guy: Are you down on your luck? Tired of loathing life and yourself? Then maybe it’s time you looked to Jesus to solve your problems.

Uncle Jim: Jesus? Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t been to church in a long time. And when I go, it’s just so boring. I think I’d just rather spend my Sundays watching football, drinking beer and masturbating.

CCG punches Uncle Jim in the face.

UJ: Ow! What the hell was that for?

CCG: For living a life of sin!

UJ: I thought Christianity was about loving your neighbor.

CCG: Sure it is, but at the Shroud, we serve up church with an attitude!

UJ: Church with an attitude? What do you mean by that?

CCG: Just listen to these real-life testimonials…

Enter Testimonials

T1 (Robotically, as if reading off of a cue card): Before I went to the Shroud, I was hopeless. I had no job, I was an alcoholic, and my wife left me for a used car salesman. But now that I have been to the Shroud, I understand that God has a plan for me, and that plan involves Church with an attitude.

UJ: Well, I’m still skeptical. I mean, sure, you’ve changed someone’s life, but can you really make church exciting? What is this church with an attitude I keep hearing you talk about?

CCG: We take all of the elements of regular church, and attitudeify them.

UJ: How?

CCG: We have a guitar and the pastors wear khakis.

UJ: That’s not much attitude.

CCG (punches UJ in the face again): Listen to another testimonial!

T2: At The Shroud, they talk about issues that affect my life, in a language that I can understand, by using words like “guys,” “cool,” “like,” and “internet.”

UJ: Oh, I’m just an old man. I don’t think I need a church with attitude.

CCG: You don’t think so? Check out what this decrepit old vegetable had to say about our church.

T3 (robot voice): Please feed me. I want to go home. I have a diaper rash. Oh no. Not my voice. Stop (cuts off).

CCG: See? Everybody loves the Shroud! From the very young, to the old and defenseless!

UJ: Well, it still sounds like it would suck.

CCG: Well, I have balloon animals. Do you like balloon animals?

UJ: What?

CCG: Balloon animals are fun. Everybody likes balloon animals. Look, here’s a snake.

Pulls out a balloon which has clearly not been shaped at all.

End of sketch.