Christmas Birthday Present Column (Notes V)
I think Im going to write more notes-style columns. I keep getting all of these good ideas that are too short to make into full-length columns. Or, at least, I think theyre good ideas. Ive come to realize that what I think is funny and what others think is funny can be and most of the time is very different. So, this year Im giving myself a birthday present of screwing you bastards and writing what I want:
- Man, when they caught Saddam Hussein, he did not look like a man who had ever been in charge of anything. He looked like a guy who had been living in a hole for nine months. You know how they said that the first words out of his mouth were I want to negotiate? Well, apparently, the fact that he said that is a big deal in the Arab world; it has something to do with negotiating and their culture and stuff I am basically undereducated about. But the point is, I be he didnt really say I want to negotiate. I bet he said Jesus fucking Christ, where have you guys been? The planes and the bombs hit, and all of my loyal sidekicks fled the country faster than pepper from soap in water. You never did that one in science class? Oh, its pretty cool. You just sprinkle some pepper in a dish of water, and then put some soap in the water, and all the pepper runs away from the soap! You gotta do it with a light-colored dish to see it right. Anyway, those bastards fled and left Saddam alone in the palace. And then it hits me: Im all alone. Thats when I set up the hole in Tikrit. In Tikrit! Come on! I went to my home town! It took you nine friggin months to find me in my home town? I was by the river, for Chrissakes! Where else are you going to set up a hole? I cant believe that shit.
- Man, remember college? Man. Those werent the days.
- I think that putting can tell the difference between Indica and Semica on my resume is scaring off some potential employers.
- No matter what they tell me, the voices in my head just cant seem to convince me theyre real.
- I still dont understand how to approach women in the real world. Theyre too skeptical It seems like every time I give a woman the Hey, Im attracted to you look, I get a look back thats somewhere between Hey, Im also attracted to you and Hey, are you going to follow me home and rape me? And, you know, I cant blame women for being skeptical in this day and age
you never know who is going to be a creep-ball. Maybe I should change my approach from the Hey, Im attracted to you look to just walking up to the woman and saying, Hey, so, uh
Im not going to rape you.
- Theres something about this time of the year that fills me with wonder. Oh yeah, I know what it is: How the hell can people believe the Christmas story? I mean, Mary and Joseph were engaged when Mary got pregnant, right? Sure, Mary. God got you pregnant. And I got the flu from Allah.
Original post date: December 24, 2003