My fellow Americans:

For decades, Americans have been living in fear of homosexuals. The way they walk, the way they talk, even the way they interiorly decorate, have frightened the good, God-fearing people of this country for far too long.

Sad as it is to say, this problem shows no signs of going away anytime soon; instead, it appears that homosexuals have somehow become more accepted by our society. There was a time in this country when a man could walk down a street without fear of being accosted by the flamboyancy or butchness of a homosexual person that makes us all so sorely uncomfortable. But we do not live in such luxury today.

Today, our children see graphic images of homosexuals, both fictional and non-fictional, on our televisions every day. You can't open up a newspaper without seeing a story about some other welfare-torn western European nation, such as France, letting the homos marry in their once fine – although papist - nation.

I think that most Americans would agree that the success of this administration is based on my ability to unite, rather than divide people; and my feeling about the issue of gay marriage and homosexuality is no different. Despite the fact that I personally feel that homosexuality is an abhorrence against God, and that a single homosexual marriage in this country would cause Satan himself to arise from the depths of hell to scold all of those queerbait heathens, I want to do what is in the best interest of the country, and the American people.

That is why I have elected to De-queerify all of the homosexuals in the country using the power of my magnetic mind. Allow me to extend on that:

I was born in Texas. Using superfluous technology that at the time was only available to nuculer scientists, my daddy was able to purchase for me a magnetic mind; a magnetic mind with the ability to change other people’s minds. Why me? Daddy said it was because I was the most expendable child. And as his favorite, I feel I owe it to my daddy to use the advantage he gave me at every opportunity possible. I used my magnetic mind in the 2000 election, and I will use it today.

Now, you’re probably all wondering exactly how my magnetic mind works. Well, every time I pause mid-sentence to seemingly search my brain for an appropriate four, or even three syllable word to use in any given situation, the power of my magnetic mind sweeps over the crowd present and over the television audience. Every time I misuse or make up a word, a short magnetic wave is sent throughout the land. This short wave endears me to moderates and conservatives everywhere, and embitters liberals so much that it causes them to become angry. And anger is the tool of Satan. Just like gayness.

But tonight I will exercise the full power of my magnetic mind, and do something my daddy told me only to do if I absolutely needed to change the minds of many millions of people.

Behold, as I raise my hands to my forehead and concentrate intently, I will unite all of the people of this country under one sexual preference. All gays will lose their attraction to their same-sex partners, no matter how sexually appetizing they may appear. All bi-sexuals will cast away their same-sex love slaves and/or their denials about being totally queer, and switch back to Team No-Queers.

Okay, on the count of three. Ready? One… Two… Oh, wait. Nobody that is gay should stop reading this column. If you stop reading the column, the whole magnetic mind thing won’t work, and I’ll have to catch you when I’m on TV or something. And I don’t have time to do this trick over and over; I mean, I’m the president, I’m a busy man. Okay, here goes:

One… Two… Oh, wait. You will feel a slight tingling sensation. Not all of you, just those of you who are gay. Okay, here goes again: One… Two… Three!



Okay, now check this out:

Hey, buddy. Wanna grab a brewsky? I got a stash in the fridge that Laura doesn’t know about.

Hey, all right. Say, sweet cheeks, you wanna go get those brews for the menfolk? It’s the pack of Bud behind the mayonnaise. Thanks, babe.

Man, did you see the ass on her? I’d like to tap that shit.

Say, doesn’t the idea of having sex with someone of the same sex seem kinda, uh, you know… icky?

That’s what I thought. My work here is done. God bless you all, and God bless America.

Original post date: 7 August 2003