Would You Like to Help Me Ejaculate?
Hi there. So, uh, do you have any plans for the weekend? No? Well, uh, I was wondering, um, do you want to go out to dinner? We could share some pleasant conversation, a nice meal, and then maybe afterwards we could go back to my place and you could help me ejaculate.
I know its a request that seems a bit forward, but like most college guys, I am really only into this whole dating thing in order for you to assist me in my ejaculatory process.
Most college guys are only on the dating scene for this purpose, but most of them mask their intentions through dinners, gifts and talking about their feelings. I, however, am not of that ilk. I was brought up to be an honest man, and what I am honestly telling you right now is that I want you to help me ejaculate.
Most of the other guys on this campus trying will say things like you look nice or theres nobody else like you to try and get you to assist them in orgasm. I will not stoop to such condescending, trivial sweet nothings that have been said a million times over by a million men. I will tell you something that is true something that comes from the heart: I have been ogling you from the back corner of my Finance class for a long time. I have noticed the small intricacies of your beauty that other guys have probably not noticed: your eyes, your hair, your lips, even the small of your back; I honestly believe that they in and of themselves define beauty in its simplest forms. That is why I think you should help me ejaculate. You are far more qualified than anyone in this finance class. You are, perhaps, the most qualified woman out of any of the women in any of my classes, except for maybe that girl in my English class with the really nice rack.
Youre probably wondering what a date with me will be like. Well, Ill tell you exactly what you can expect. Well make pleasant conversation over a meal at a moderately priced restaurant. Well talk about our hopes and dreams for the future, highlighting our similar interests. I will crack a few jokes, some of which you will genuinely laugh at, all of which you will at least pretend to laugh at to be polite. I will dismiss things that you say and do that, were I not attracted to you, would genuinely frighten me, such as praying before you eat, and saying something like I used to hate republicans, but now I can kind of see where theyre coming from. After dinner, we will go out for coffee where we will talk about our favorite books and films. I will dismiss the fact that you love Tobey Maguire, all movies from the 1980s and the fact that Michael Crichton is your favorite author. I will do all of this because I want you to help me ejaculate.
If you do go through with helping me to ejaculate, I will return the favor by helping you to achieve orgasm as well.
Unless it takes more than ten minutes, in which case I will fall asleep.
Originally posted December 2002 - Also appeared in MU Student News.