Tampering with mail is a federal offense
It seems that everywhere I go, people are always asking me where the party's at.
"Hey, look!" They'll say, "It's Alex Taft!"
"Hi, everyone!" I'll respond jovially.
"Say, Alex!" They'll say, "Where's the party at?"
For the life of me, I never know. Not once have I ever known where the party was at. So I usually respond with a trite comment like "In my pants," which nobody ever believes, or "In your pants," and then they usually say something like, "Give it a rest with the pants already."
Not only am I not knowledgeable about the location of the party, I am hardly the life of it when I do find out where it is. That is why I am the only college student in the world who is going somewhere that is actually colder than Columbia, Missouri. I will be spending my spring break in Boston and New York. Since I am not spending my break in a sunny paradise, I can only extrapolate and assume that what movies, television and pornography have taught me is right. Therefore, I will likely be spending my break with a bunch of stuck-up east coast snobs, nerds, and quite possibly a dean named "Lady Hardbuttington." And I wouldn't have it any other way.
For the rest of you that are going somewhere warm, sunny and beer-soaked, I wish you a very safe, happy journey. But before you hop on your Val-U-Jets and head to Cervezabarata, Mexico, let me, the most experienced partygoer of them all, offer you a few tips on how to act on your jaunt in a sunny paradise:
1. If you're driving to your destination, try to make your road trip fun by driving as fast as you can and stealing mailboxes from every state that you drive through.
2. If you are visiting a virtual stranger you have not seen in three years in the middle of America, question your true desire to still be alive.
3. If you are traveling to a foreign country, try to pick up some basic phrases in the native language. If this does not work, talking slower and louder in English whilst angrily gesticulating always does.
4. During your spring break, there will invariably be a bet or a contest from a rival frat or school involving some crazy, beer-fueled scheme. It would be in your best interests to partake in this scheme.
5. Convincing a sexy young college co-ed to show her bare breasts on videotape is harder than you might think, even if she is a girl who has appeared to have gone wild.
6. Remember to budget your money well, especially if you are dealing with foreign currency. Remember, there are about 10 pesos to the dollar, unless you are using Argentine pesos, in which case there are about 10 pesos to the Charmin.
7. Remember to wear lots of sunblock because if you don't, your body will get burned and dehydrated, causing the alcohol you are consuming to go to your head much quicker than usual. The last thing you want on your spring break is to become intoxicated.
8. Ladies, if you wake up next to a total stranger and can't remember anything that happened the night before, check your genitals for babies. If there aren't any, you did not get pregnant.
9. Gentlemen, if you end up in bed with a young lady you have never met, make sure you are frank and honest with her about your sexual past, unless you have an STD or something.