For weeks I have been considering writing a column on what
appears to be the imminent military situation with Iraq. For those
of you who missed it or are too stupid to not care, President
Bush addressed the nation Monday night from Cincinnatti in regards
to this issue. The long-and-short of the speech was: "We
might not attack Iraq, but I'm urging congress to give me the
power to do so."
The MU Student News did not hire me for my rhetorical skills. They hired me for my ability to poke fun at life's little foibles. So instead of blasting the Bush Administration for getting involved in a second war (we're still in one in Afghanistan, in case you've forgotten), I'm going to do something that nobody else in the United States, or perhaps the world, has the courage to do: I'm going to expose the funny in our possible military conflict with Iraq.
There is, of course, nothing funny about going to war. Unless you have George W. Bush as your president, then there is plenty of funny. Does anybody else find it disturbing that our president pronounces the word "nuclear" like a four-year-old (noo-kyew-lar)? It's true; watch some tape of his Monday night speech. You will be frighteningly surprised. Oh, President Bush! It's good to know that when the hearts and minds of so many Americans are focused on death and destruction, you've still got that sense of humor. Why, just last week President Bush was in a cabinet meeting talking about the "embetterment" of the Palestinian people. It's so good to know that President Bush's Yale education went towards teaching him not only the correct pronunciation of words, but words that exist.
President Bush has also succeeded in being the first president ever to speak like a comic book superhero. Bush has put a creative face on our enemy: "The Axis of Evil." Wow, it's like a big evil conglomerate. Will we have to call upon an Axis of Good to defeat this Axis of Evil, I wonder? One would only assume that our powers as a single nation would pale in comparison to that of this horribly Evil Axis. Perhaps we should call on our friends, Superman and Batman, to help us create an Axis of Good. Hell, let's bring in all of Justice League America while we're at it. Perfect! They already have "America" in their title; they'll fit right in. They can make President Bush an honorary member. He can be the one that says the zippy catch-phrases that will have the nation buzzing like "We're gonna smoke him out of his hole!" and "We will attack with force and Fury!"
Even the president's motives for this attack fit nicely into
the comic book motif. As you may recall, President Bush the first
had a failed assassination attempt on his life by Saddam Hussein's
goons. Does this sound eerily like the plotline to a famous comic
book to anyone else? Bruce Wayne's parents were killed by the
Joker, so Bruce spent the rest of his life under an assumed identity
to hunt down the Joker and avenge his parents' death. That identity?
President of the United States.