The Penis Monologues

Last semester in an English class, I read "The Vagina Monologues." This semester, my friend Kate recently directed a production of "The Vagina Monologues" in Boston. The play has been on Broadway and has had a lot of attention and hoopla surrounding it. So I got to thinking, "Say, why hasn't there been a 'Penis Monologues?'"

Now, if you say "There hasn't been a 'Penis Monologues' because the entire history of humanity has been about the penis! Men have dominated society in every single aspect from the beginning of time and continue to do so today. 'The Vagina Monologues' isn't about vaginas! It is about women empowering themselves! It is about equality for women! It is about the liberation of antiquated ideas that it is not okay for women to have sexual feelings and for women to be comfortable with themselves both as women and as sexual human beings," then you'd be exactly right. I could not agree with you more. However, since I am not here to present myself as a "journalist" or a "person who is to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form," I thought I would write a play of my own based on the wedding tackle which I have been given. Also, I thought that it would be fun if it were the shortest play ever; indeed, short enough to fit in a 500-600 word column, 250 words of which I have already used. So, without further ado, Babies, Puppies and Black Tar Heroin presents:

The Penis Monologues
Act 1, Scene 1
A spotlight on an empty stage.
A penis walks out onto stage. Okay, it doesn't walk out; it has no legs. It crawls out like Slimey the Worm did on Sesame Street. You know what I'm talking about. Don't pretend like you don't.

Penis: I don't do well on stage. I feel exposed. I don't like being exposed. I like being in warm, comfortable spaces. But doesn't everybody? I guess so. Isn't that part of being a penis? Wanting to be in warm, comfortable places?

I guess that's not what being a penis is all about. It's also about becoming erect for absolutely no reason when you're standing on the diving board in front of Susie, the girl you've had a crush on for as long as you can remember. You were trying to impress her with your high dive. Looks like you just embarrassed yourself with an erection instead.

Then there was the time that you were sitting in math class and Mrs. Thompson called on you to do a math problem at the board. Yes, yet again, I had become erect for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. So you said that you couldn't go up to do the problem because you didn't know the answer, but really it was because you had an erection and you didn't want the class to see that you had an erection. I mean, they all knew about the whole Susie incident. You didn't want them to think that you were some kind of erection-getting guy. So Mrs. Thompson failed you for the semester and you had to take summer school, all because you didn't want the other kids to notice that you had an erection. That was a close one.

Then there was the time you were looking at all of that pornography.

So what have we learned today? Being a penis is all about untimely erections.

The End

Wow. I've learned something today, too. I am a terrible playwright.

Also appeared in MU Student News, March 4, 2002