Point- Counterpoint II: Peeing Honey
I wish I could pee honey.
A few weeks ago, I was struck by something odd. After consuming two and a half bowls of delicious Golden Crisp Cereal (mmmm, fully of sugary, bear-y goodness), I went to use the bathroom. Upon my urination, I discovered that my pee smelled very strongly like Golden Crisp cereal.
For those who have not partaken of this delicious breakfast
treat, Golden Crisp tastes quite a bit like puffed, honey-coated
sugar. You can understand my alarm, when I noticed this smell
coming out of one of my orifices (and no, I didn't pee into a
cup and smell it or anything. It was just THAT strong of a smell).
This got me to thinking: what would it be like if I could pee honey? While it may sound like a dicey proposition, I think peeing honey would be a great thing. Peeing would be much more fun, I could turn my new urine into profit, and all kinds of stuff could come of it (I'll explain it, trust me).
The first great thing about peeing is that pee is fun. Now, I may just be immature, but, I think defecation is funny, and honey would make defecation fun, and relatively safe. While pee is pretty sterile, it would be more sterile if it was honey. Sure, it would be much stickier (as honey is quite sticky), but it would much more fun.
Another perk to peeing honey would be a possible business venture: Ross' Special Home Grown Honey. Many guys out there have peed into a bottle at one time or another, and I am no different. Being a guy, it's easy to pee into a bottle. So, if I could get a whole lot of those bear-shaped plastic bottle things (good honey can only come out of a bear bottle), I could drink a lot of fluids, bottle my pee, and sell it out at the farmer's market. Or maybe, I could sell it over the Internet; anything goes on that damned thing.
The possible (and this is really a high-risk/high-reward proposition) best part of the entire peeing honey experiment would be the doors of sexual deviance that it could open for me. There is a whole sect of people out there who enjoy being peed on, or enjoy peeing on others. I have never peed on anyone, nor have I had anyone pee on me. However, I bet girls would want me to pee somewhere on them if I peed honey. Lord knows lots of people do the whole chocolate syrup thing; what's to stop them from honey? And if it comes out of my body, well, I'm just in luck, aren't I?
Sure, it sounds disgusting to you. "You're just a sick pervert, Ross" you say. To you I answer, "Yes, I am a sick pervert. But, I am a sick pervert who wants to pee honey." And that's a very different kind of pervert.
As my esteemed colleague has pointed out, eating Golden Crisp
does make your pee smell funny. However, I do not believe that
this means that we should get all agog about peeing honey.
I mean, come on, Ross! Have you even thought of the logistics of peeing honey? I mean, sure, you could pee it into the bear bottles and make a quick buck, but have you really considered what you'd have to go through to pee honey?
First and foremost, honey is a sticky, viscous substance. The average human urinates a cup to two cups of urine every time he or she urinates. Er go, one would assume that you would be peeing one to two cups of honey every time you peed. Because of honey's thickness and the size of the male urethra, it would take about an hour for you to pee. And honey doesn't finish off clean like urine and water-like substances do. It drizzles. It would take you an extra twenty minutes to get the honey to stop dripping from the end of your weiner, and if you didn't have that kind of time to wait for the drizzle to stop, you'd probably have to stick a piece of toilet paper to your honey-drizzling penis, causing stickiness, paper, multiple showers daily, and likely an increase in our water and gas bills.
Second, honey, as everyone knows, is made out of bee puke. How in the world are you going to start manufacturing honey in your stomach? Are you going to swallow a whole lot of bees and flowers whole and hope that they will just magically start pollinating in your stomach? No, you're not, and do you know why? Because when you try and swallow them, those bees are going to be mad, and when bees get mad, they sting. You will swallow two bees tops before you give up, because your esophagus will be painfully swollen with bee stings.
There is also the problem of what your body would do with your liquid waste. Urine is there for a reason. It expels, urea, sodium and many other things they taught me in high school biology that I don't remember. Regardless, honey does not serve the function that urine does. Honey is a viscous natural sweetener. Urine is a thin liquid compiled of human waste. There are nary two liquids more different from one another than honey and urine. Without the ability to expel urine from your body, and your bladder presumably manufacturing honey, you will die.
The issue of peeing honey is an age-old one that has been discussed for decades; indeed, many believe that with the technology that exists today, we are not far off from peeing honey. Be that as it may, some things were ever meant to be changed, and the human digestive system is one of them. I know that many of you reading this are still on the fence about this topic, and I would like to leave with a quote that I hope will sway your opinion toward the urine-peeing side of the argument. The quote is from the English poet William Wordsworth, from his poem Peeing off the London Bridge: "Honey may be tasty in your tea/but it is not tasty in your pee."
Also appeared in April 8, 2002 Edition of the MU Student News.