I Got Nothin'
(Notes IV)

Week after week, people say to me "Alex, you've been writing for the Student News for three semesters. How do you keep column so fresh and so clean-clean?" And the truth of the matter is, inspiration for a column can come from almost any source, be it a national or world news event, something going on around campus, popular culture, or George W. Bush. But sometimes a week goes by and us columnists run out of things to say. I don't think this would happen were I a real columnist, because presumably, I would not have fifteen hours of class to attend to. When real columnists run out of ideas, they respond to reader mail. As I have gotten a grand total of two pieces of non-Mom mail in regards to my column this semester (both of them praiseful of my column, which makes for an even more boring session of reader mail), I don't think that the reader mail column would be very interesting today.

Instead, I will employ a method often used by my columnist neighbor to the right, Ross. Ross calls this "ramblings." (I call it "notes.") Indeed, Ross has used ramblings so many times that he has run out of ideas with which to ramble, and is now converting his column to an advice column. That is how out of ideas Ross is.

But I have not yet regressed to that point, so I will do a "notes" column.

• I would like to point out that Larry King did a column in this "notes" style column in USA Today for years. He would just spout out random crap for 500 words and pick up a paycheck. USA Today: We don't even require coherence from our columnists.
• I like soup. Soup is a really good autumn lunch. And for those of you who think that soup may not be filling enough for lunch, I implore you to try your soup in a bread bowl. If that does not suit your fancy, try a potato-based soup. I think you'll find it's surprisingly hearty.
• No matter how much heroin I take, my homework just won't seem to do itself.
• Isn't it about time we got rid of the penny? I mean, think about it. When is the only time you ever use a penny? When you are trying to avoid getting more pennies. "Your total is 5.41," the cashier says. "WAIT!" You scream. "I have a penny!" The only argument for the penny that I have ever heard is that they are important to the poor. To this I respond simply: No, you're dumb. Do you think that a homeless guy is going to be grateful if you drop him a penny? No! He'll probably throw it at you. What is he going to do with it, buy 1/300th of a value meal at McDonald's?
• Underrated invention: The stapler.
• Overrated invention: The penis enlarger.
• Remember "Burple?" My mom would never let me have that stuff.
  

Also appeared in October 24, 2002 edition of the MU Student News.