I have decided to invest in yet another short ideas column, which I got inspired to do by watching Larry King appear on Late Night this week. Larry King writes a column which is essentially his random thoughts. And I thought, "Shit, if Larry King does it every week, it'll be no crime if I do it for a third time."
I saw Spider-Man. Even including critics (who have somehow managed to love this movie), I am the only person in the western world who hated it. Actual line: "You're the one that's out, Green Goblin. Out of your mind." ---Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man. I guess I would have enjoyed it if the script wasn't so goddamn awful. And if Tobey Maguire wasn't so goddamn creepy and monotonous. He seriously scares me. Is he so good-looking that he needs to be a famous actor? Because he is seriously terrible. Oh, I know. "He was good in Wonder Boys." Do you know why he was good in Wonder Boys? Because his character was a creepy monotonous guy, which is what he is.
What is it about airports that make stand-up comics garner 99% of their material there?
The Cubs got swept by the Brewers today. The Brewers have the worst record in the National League. I think the problem is that Fred McGriff's butt is not big enough.
Finals are this week. That means I will have all day to procrastinate instead of just four or five hours.
I just got an email whose subject said "Real Girls Stripping Live on Your Desktop!" Wow, they have some small girls at this pornography website.
I went to a Rufus Wainright concert on Friday, which turned out to be a lot of fun. I wasn't familiar with his stuff, but I did know that most girls consider him a dreamboat of sorts. So I am watching him, and he is a good looking guy, I suppose. He's scrawny as hell, but he has a great voice. I'm enjoying the concert, and then all of a sudden, he sings a song in French. And then I turned gay for a moment. But just a moment. Sigh. Rufus.
Handlebar mustaches are funny.
I was in my sociology class the other day, and this dumb sorority girl who has sat behind me all year says to her sisters "Wow, you guys, this is my last class ever." And I thought, Wow, even sorority girls can feel nostalgic. And then she says, "Well, I'm supposed to have another one, but I'm not going."
Have you heard about President Clinton getting a talk show? He might get a talk show, apparently. I found this really funny, because what if he got bad ratings? What if Jenny Jones was whipping his ass? Do you cancel President Clinton? How do you tell an ex-president that he's getting cancelled? And you know he would start off by having a "classy" talk show (if such a thing truly exists) like Oprah Winfrey, but you know it would just devolve into a Springer-style talk show with white trash, KKK members and strippers, because come on, it's Bill fucking Clinton. The best part about it is that he would somehow manage to make it look like he was running the classiest talk show on TV, because that is the true mystique of Bill "Cigar" Clinton: the greatest post-war president this country has had.