My Opinion is Horribly Misinformed!

My Opinion is Horribly Misinformed!

I'm a pretty nice guy. I'm relatively intelligent. Some might say I'm even fun to be around. However, when it comes to discussing and writing about social and political issues, my opinions are horribly misinformed!

For example, I believe that a massive tax cut to the wealthy and a tiny one to the poor is the most effective way to stimulate our economy! As the old saying goes, "As the rich get richer, the poor get richer as well." Lord knows it worked in the 1980's with Ronald Reagan's brilliant trickle-down economics, as the massive gap between the rich and the poor came closer and closer together. That man was a genius! We should put his face on Mount Rushmore!

You know, earth day was celebrated in Columbia yesterday. Man, do I hate earth day. Why, you ask? Because my opinion is misinformed! Boy, oh, boy, there is nothing worse than a bunch of people who are out to do something stupid like help save the environment. Why should we care, anyway? It's not like we're going to be around forever! Let our great-grandkids deal with this environment business. And they should keep it out of Washington. If mega-corporations like Texaco and McDonald's really care about the environment, they will comply to government-sanctioned environmental standards without those Washington fat-cats breathing down their necks. Besides, I would much rather have low gas prices than clean air. Hell, they've been dirtying up the air for years, and I don't see anyone dying from it. $1.29 for a gallon of gas?! My God! I should write to my congressman! I can barely afford to fill up my 10-mile-per-gallon Ford Excursion!

And that reminds me, why are people driving these foreign cars so often nowadays? Don't they know that American cars are the best in the world? Don't people realize that if they buy cars made overseas that they are demolishing the American economy by supporting non-American companies?

I am also sick of these liberals telling me that free trade is bad for human rights. The only way to have a great worldwide economy is to have unlimited free trade throughout every nation in the world. This will maximize our - and every other nation's - economic efficiency. As long as we keep buying American cars. That's the other key to having free trade. Free trade except keep buying American cars. And clothing. And steel. And electronics.

Gay rights! Good God, man, what does this look like, Russia?! I'm a good God-fearing American. I don't want those queers getting near me or my family. Why not? I keep telling you, it's because my opinion is horribly misinformed! I can't believe that those people want to have the same rights as us good, God-fearing, heterosexual people. They want to have visitation rights in the hospital when their "partners" are sick. Doesn't that just give you the heeby-jeevies? What if they turned the whole hospital gay? Worst of all, I can't believe they want the right to get married. Those people should have no part in what is purely a holy - and not sanctioned by the nonsecular state in any way, shape or form - union.

Man, it feels good to get my misinformed opinions off my chest. Hopefully someday I will be able to convince others to become just as misinformed as I am!

Also appeared in the April 29, 2002 edition of the MU Student News.