Financial Tips for a Shaky Economy

As a columnist, it is important to stay abreast of current events. As a columnist for a student newspaper, it is my job to take the confusing events of the world and to tag an average college students' opinion onto the issue, thereby telling you what to think about the issue. It is then my job to email my column to my editor, where inappropriate paragraph breaks are inexplicably laden throughout my

Column. This week, I thought I'd discuss the troubled United States economy. As you may or may not be aware, the United States' economy is in trouble. It has something to do with the war, Enron, Dick Cheney, mortgage rates and tech stocks. These are all very important issues, and what our generation really needs is somebody who, on a regular basis, can explain in layman's terms what is really going on with our economy, and what we, the young people of America, can do to help ­ not just ourselves, but our country.

So I will leave it up to you, the readers, to go find that person. In the meantime, here's some goofy crap I made up:

Alex's Tips for $ucce$$ on a College Budget™!

• Save, save, save! Remember the three simplest ways of saving money: Clipping grocery coupons, going out to eat less, and not purchasing clothing unless it was made by a child in an Asian sweatshop.
• Get a job, for chrissakes. Your mother and I are sick and tired of your jobless butt sitting around in the basement watching TV and drinking Night Train all day.
• College is a great time to establish credit. The simplest way to establish good credit is by obtaining a credit card. After getting the card, set a "monthly limit" for yourself that is reasonable, ignore it, go far into debt and spend the rest of your life paying off the debt and its exorbitant interest rate.
• Remember, no matter how bleak things look, it is never okay to steal. Unless it's from Wal-Mart. Relax, dude. It's not like the Walton family is going to miss one Bic Lighter.
• Prostitution gets a bad rap. When you're walking the streets making your extra cash, make sure you treat your patrons with the respect and courtesy they can expect from a high-class Columbia whore.
• Gas prices keep going up. To save money on gas, drive only when you have to. Yes, even if it means walking from one end of the mall to the other.
• Start a corporation, tell your stockholders that your company is worth billions more than it is, sell millions of dollars worth of your own stock options right before your company goes bankrupt and get off scot-free.
• No matter how strapped for cash you get, never resort to selling drugs, because, man, if the five-o catches you, you know they're just gonna take it back to the station and smoke it themselves.
• Remember, when you go out to bars, you're not paying for alcohol, you're paying for atmosphere. So instead of spending a lot of money going out to the bars, drink at home by yourself.
  

Also appeared in September 5, 2002 edition of MU Student News.