Financial Tips for a Shaky Economy
As a columnist, it is important to stay abreast of current
events. As a columnist for a student newspaper, it is my job to
take the confusing events of the world and to tag an average college
students' opinion onto the issue, thereby telling you what to
think about the issue. It is then my job to email my column to
my editor, where inappropriate paragraph breaks are inexplicably
laden throughout my
Column. This week, I thought I'd discuss the troubled United
States economy. As you may or may not be aware, the United States'
economy is in trouble. It has something to do with the war, Enron,
Dick Cheney, mortgage rates and tech stocks. These are all very
important issues, and what our generation really needs is somebody
who, on a regular basis, can explain in layman's terms what is
really going on with our economy, and what we, the young people
of America, can do to help not just ourselves, but our country.
So I will leave it up to you, the readers, to go find that
person. In the meantime, here's some goofy crap I made up:
Alex's Tips for $ucce$$ on a College Budget!
- Save, save, save! Remember the three simplest ways of saving
money: Clipping grocery coupons, going out to eat less, and not
purchasing clothing unless it was made by a child in an Asian
- Get a job, for chrissakes. Your mother and I are sick and
tired of your jobless butt sitting around in the basement watching
TV and drinking Night Train all day.
- College is a great time to establish credit. The simplest
way to establish good credit is by obtaining a credit card. After
getting the card, set a "monthly limit" for yourself
that is reasonable, ignore it, go far into debt and spend the
rest of your life paying off the debt and its exorbitant interest
- Remember, no matter how bleak things look, it is never okay
to steal. Unless it's from Wal-Mart. Relax, dude. It's not like
the Walton family is going to miss one Bic Lighter.
- Prostitution gets a bad rap. When you're walking the streets
making your extra cash, make sure you treat your patrons with
the respect and courtesy they can expect from a high-class Columbia
- Gas prices keep going up. To save money on gas, drive only
when you have to. Yes, even if it means walking from one end
of the mall to the other.
- Start a corporation, tell your stockholders that your company
is worth billions more than it is, sell millions of dollars worth
of your own stock options right before your company goes bankrupt
and get off scot-free.
- No matter how strapped for cash you get, never resort to
selling drugs, because, man, if the five-o catches you, you know
they're just gonna take it back to the station and smoke it themselves.
- Remember, when you go out to bars, you're not paying for
alcohol, you're paying for atmosphere. So instead of spending
a lot of money going out to the bars, drink at home by yourself.
Also appeared in September 5, 2002 edition of MU