That Dave Show was Phat, Yo!

I am an English major.

The University of Missouri is in denial about this fact. The reason for their denial, I think, is that I am out of state and that they cannot accept the fact that someone from outside of the fine state of Missouri is not a journalism major. Every time I go to Lawry Mall to try and convince them that, indeed, I do want to be an English major, this happens:

Me: I would like to change my major to English.
Person Who Knows Much More About Complex MU Bureaucracy Than Me: You need to take English 205 first.
Fast forward one semester.
Me: Okay, I took English 205. Make me an English major.
PWKMMACMUBTM: No, I'm afraid you have to finish your area of concentration first.
Fast forward three semesters.
Me: Okay, I have completed my area of concentration. Make me an English major.
PWKMMACMUBTM: Are you sure you want to be an English major?"
Me: Yes.
Me: Yes.
PWKMMACMUBTM: You're sure that even though you're spending the extra money on out-of-state tuition that you want to waste your life on the streets as an English major instead of living the exciting, fast-paced life of a person who has graduated from the prestigious MU School of Journalism?
Me: Yes.
PWKMMACMUBTM: You have to take English 205 first.

So despite what the complex bureaucracy that is the skeleton of our fine university may believe, I am an English major. As an English major, I try to represent myself and my language well, and I attempt to do things like spell properly when sending e-mails and instant messages (OMG U guyz broke up?!? mayB it wuz 4 the be$t), use proper grammar when speaking, and to not use the word "like" more than seven times per minute (a practice at which, admittedly, I usually fail). Aside from these practices that I apply to myself, I also take note of what my peers are saying. There are several commonly accepted colloquialisms with which I have problems; not grammatical problems per se, but rather logistical problems.

"Back in the day."
I have noticed that this phrase has become very popular recently among young people which, quite frankly boggles my mind. A girl in one of my classes the other day referred to her childhood as "back in the day." You're 19 years old! You don't know anything about back in the day! The only people who should be allowed to say "back in the day" are old people who have nothing better to do with their lives than sit around and reminisce about when it was their day. And do you know what "day" they are talking about? The "day" that we are living in now. So if your "back in the day" involves movies costing less than they do now, Saturday morning cartoons, and/or "old school" Nintendo, do us all a favor and live in the present instead.

"What's up, dawg?"
Don't call me dawg. I'm not your dawg. You're not even spelling it right when you're saying it.

Since when did every Dave Matthews Band fan in the world get on a first name basis with Dave Matthews? "Dave is playing at the Forum on Friday." Dave who? Dave Letterman? Dave Chappelle? Michelangelo's David? Inquiring minds want to know. "Did you see Dave on Saturday?" Yeah. He came over to my apartment and played video games for nine hours. Tell Dave's ass he needs to get a job.

Also appeared in the MU Student News, February 4, 2002