I'm Thinking About Becoming a Coffeeist
Author's Note: I was running thin on column ideas for this week, to the point where my editor called me up and asked me where my column was. I didn't know. So I asked her if I could run the Coffeeist column in the Student News. She said to send it to her and she would consider it. So I modified it to make it more Bible-Belt friendly. I'm still willing to bet, however, that I'm going to get quite a bit of e-mail about this one. Here is the MU Student News edition. Enjoy.
As most of you have discovered by now, college is a time in which one can step back from what your parents taught you and question its truthfulness. For example, since going to college, many of my friends have decided that killing animals is wrong, and they have become vegetarians. Other friends of mine have questioned the religious values upon which they had been raised. I fell into this category. So after deciding that Christianity was no longer my bag, I decided to come up with my own religion: Coffeeism.
Unlike with Christianity, with Coffeeism, I don't have to believe in anything blindly. I don't have to call out to Coffee in the middle of the night, wondering if It is really there. If I'm ever having doubts about whether or not Coffee exists, I can just go downstairs and look at my bag of Guatemala Antigua from Osama's. Ahhh, there you are, Coffee.
Religion helps many people get through some really tough times. When people are feeling down or sick or lonely, they look to God to help them get through these times. During my tough times, I look to Coffee to help me. When I'm feeling down and need a little pick-me-up, I can order a Latte or a Mocha as a special treat (Coffee appears in many forms and works in many ways). Coffee was there last week when I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning editing my story for creative writing. Coffee was there when I stayed up all night on Thursday to put the finishing touches on my English final paper. And Coffee will be there this week, to help me get through my exams, to study hard and get good grades. Where is God throughout all of this? He's up in heaven, probably enjoying a nice, hot cup of the world's finest Coffee.
Then there is the social aspect of being a Coffeeist. If I ask a girl out to get a cup of Coffee, she won't go, but she won't think that it is an unreasonable request, either. If I asked a girl if she wanted to get a cup of God, she'd probably call the cops on me. Plus, even if she did say yes, I wouldn't be able to impress her with my knowledge of many different roasts and flavors of Gods, like I would be with Coffee.
Of course, being a Coffeeist wouldn't be all fun and games. There aren't any holidays for Coffeeists. As a Coffeeist, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Christmas, Easter, or any other holiday I currently recognize in a purely pagan, non-religious, candy-eating way. And one always does have to ask, who was it that created Coffee? Should I be worshipping this person instead of the Glorious Liquid itself? Some more conservative Coffeeists believe in the Bean and not the Liquid, and believe that all those who drink the Liquid have been brainwashed by a western hatred of true Coffeeists. But most Coffeeists are not that extreme. They are, by and large, a peaceful - although hyperactive - people.
Also appeared in the April 22 edition of the MU Student News.