Wisdom from a Bathroom Wall
Starting off a column with a description of me taking a crap probably isn't the most appealing thing, so I'll start it with something else.
Hey, the Blackhawks beat the Maple Leafs the other night. They scored 5 goals in the third period! I couldn't believe it. They really played well for a change, except Thibault let in 4 goals. He's lucky he got so much goal support, including 2 from Eric Daze.
Okay, now about the poo.
After my creative writing class on Monday, I went into the
bathroom in the MU student union to take a crap and I noticed
something quite interesting carved into the stall wall:
The three poorly-drawn triangles, I can only assume refer to delta-delta-delta, the sorority whose members were genuinely stupid enough to earn them a recurring sketch on Saturday Night Live. I'm sure you all remember Melanie "The AntiFunny" Hudsell quipping when she picked up the phone "Delta-delta-delta, can I helpya-helpya-helpya?" Ha-HA! It rhymes! I get it! Well, I do have to admit that this terrible sketch constitutes my entire knowledge of the Tri-Delts (which is their hip abbreviated name here on campus) except for one incident where I did see a girl from the Tri-Delts standing in front of me in line at the bookstore showing one of her friends a photograph of her entire sorority. Eighty girls, not one non-blonde in the entire photo (although I think they may have had a token Asian girl, who by some modern medical miracle, was a "natural" blonde. Just like the rest of the Tri-Delts).
But I digress... The point of this column is not to discuss the inner workings of the Tri-Delts, but to make discuss the point made obviously brilliant gentleman who carved the insightful and witty comment into the bathroom stall, presumably, while he was taking a shit. A man of many talents, no doubt. However, I disagree with his thesis, "Tri-Delts = FAGS" and I would like to take this opportunity to rebut.
First of all, I hate to nitpick, but you really should have used "Dykes" instead of "FAGS." After all, "FAG" is a derogatory term usually used to describe homosexual men (Unless you were describing the Tri-Delts as cigarettes or kindling - the British use of the word "fag" - in which case, you really should have been clearer in your argument). As the Tri-Delts are all women, it is not proper to call them "FAGS."
Perhaps you were referring to their boyfriends. If this was the case, you should have made it clearer. Also, if you were referring to their boyfriends, it would be improper terminology once again because the fact that they are dating Tri-Delts (women) automatically makes them heterosexual. It does not make sense to use the derogatory statement "FAG" towards a heterosexual because "FAG" (as previously mentioned) is a derogatory slur towards homosexuals. You would not call an Italian person a kyche; you would call him or her a greasy wop dego. You would not call an Anglo-Saxon person a spic; you would call him or her a slave-trading, honky-ass cracker.
Frankly, Guy Who Wrote "Tri-Delts=FAGS" On The Bathroom Wall, I think your argument has a lot of holes in it, and you should revise it thoroughly before submitting it to the National Board of Writing Stuff on Bathroom Walls.
Note: I apologize for the possible misspelling of racial and/or ethnic slurs in this column.
26 February 2001