I May Already Be a Winner!
I might be filled with disbelief!
Such excitement might have already entered my life that I felt that I should share the news with you, my adoring public.
Today in the mail I received a letter from none other than Ed McMahon. That's right, THE Ed "Drinking Problem" McMahon. How do I know it was really Ed and not some impostor? Because the return address had Ed's picture on it! I guess when you're rich and famous, you can afford such luxuries. Indeed, I may already be able to afford such luxuries!
According to Ed's gracious and exciting letter, I may have already won ten million dollars! Can you imagine?!? Ten million dollars may already be in my pocket!
I may have already gone on a fantastic spending spree, buying yachts, houses, cars, jacuzzis, personal electric nose-hair clippers, the Kansas City Royals, Stephens College and other things that only people of my potential affluence can afford.
I may have already discovered that the ten million dollars I may have already won is payable in $500,000 increments over a period of twenty years. I also may have already discovered that $500,000 does not go very far when one is buying cars, yachts and professional baseball teams for myself and my three hundred closest friends. I may have already realized that telling my boss at Jimmy Johns where to shove his "Vito" with extra dressing may have been a bad idea.
I may have already been dumped by my girlfriend when the check I wrote her for the ten bucks I owed her may have already bounced. She also may have already been upset by catching me snorting cocaine off of a prostitute's breast. The prostitute may already be her sister.
I may already have gotten desperate and tried to combine my failed business ventures in order to make costs more efficient and to eradicate my enormous debt as fast as possible. For example, I may have already moved the Kansas City Royals to Columbia and have horses from the Stephens College equestrian center playing instead of the players. Attendance is down, but I may have already created promotional days like "yacht day" to attempt to fix that problem. In addition to "yacht day," the Royals have been playing much better since the horses took the players' place. I think that a winning ball club will attract more fans.
I may already be jobless, homeless, in millions of dollars in debt and perpetually hungry until my next potential payment in 2002; but hey, at least my life might be more exciting than the one I might have already been leading.
Also appeared in October 15, 2001 edition of MU Student News.