Wanna Make Out?

I just want you to know that I've had a great time tonight. No, I really mean that. I know that some guys will just say that they had a good time, but not really mean it. I'm not like that. I'm not that kind of guy. I really have had a great time. I really feel like together, we could go places.

I mean, sure, the evening started off on kind of an awkward step, but I was nervous. And besides, how was I supposed to know Indians consider the cow sacred? I thought that the curry would taste good with beef instead of lamb.

But the Indian restaurant was fun, don't you think? It's too bad we couldn't get into any movies. I've heard that Chocolat was really romantic. Too bad it was sold out. I think we made do with the movies at my apartment, though. I still can't believe you'd never seen Bright Lights, Big Titties. It's a classic! I mean, I've seen it probably thirty or forty times and I swear, every time I watch it, I see something I didn't notice before. I mean, remember that scene where the blond is getting DPed? I think I saw the boom mic at the top of the camera in one of those shots! I mean, can you believe it? I can't believe they let that get through the production room! And I'm sorry about the way my pants kept falling off after I came back from the bathroom. Boy, was that embarrassing!

And I'm really sorry about doing the popcorn trick during the movie. Like I said, I haven't been on a date in a really long time, and the last time I did that, it went over really well. She thought it was really funny. Who? Well, yeah, it was my fiance. Anyway, I didn't mean to offend you with that popcorn trick. It was just a joke. And so was that box of chocolates trick. And that bowl of cereal trick. And the foot-long meatball sub trick. And the bag of gummy worms trick.

Anyway, I've had a really great time tonight, and, well, I'm not a guy who likes to beat around the bush, so I'm just going to come out and say it: Wanna make out?

Yeah, I know it's not the smoothest of lines or the best timing, or even the most appealing way to say it, but the fact of the matter is, I'm pretty lonely. It's been a long time since I've gone on a real first date and I feel kind of rusty. I'm really nervous... I guess a woman as beautiful as you just intimidates a nervous, vulnerable guy like me. But anyway, if you don't want to, I understand. I'll just take you--

 Wow. You kissed me. That was incredible. You're a great kisser, did anybody ever tell you that? No, really, you are. Hey, can I ask you something else now that we've shared such an intimate moment? I can? Okay. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or skeptical or anything, but are your breasts real? It's been bothering me all night. And this is kind of personal and we don't know each other very well, so I could understand if you don't want to answer. And like I said, I haven't been on a date in a while, so I don't know if this is the kind of thing that people ask on dates anymore, but I thought I'd go out on a limb and ask you anyway. Are your breasts real? They are? Wow, that's surprising. What do I mean? Well, your breasts are so disproportionately large to your body type that I didn't think that anyone could ever have any boobs that big naturally, you know? I mean, clearly, it's possible, but you must be some kind of a medical freak. No, I think they're beautiful, but I'm just saying... I thought maybe you got them to compensate for your face, you know? Well, because your face isn't that great, you know? Some ugly chicks get boob jobs to make up for their faces. Hey, where are you going? I haven't even gotten to ask you for pity sex yet! Come back! Don't you want to give me pity sex? I'm so vulnerable and nervous and therefore adorable!

14 February 2001