We have been talking about schizophrenia in my abnormal psychology class for about two weeks now. After seeing a lot of videos and reading a lot about it, I've been thinking... Although the schizophrenic way of logic may be a lot less, well, logical, than the logic of a non-schizophrenic, it seems like it is a lot more fun to be a schizophrenic than normal.

Many schizophrenics will take similarities, and form them to think that because two people share the the same characteristics, they must be the same people. For example, a schizophrenic might say:

Virgin Mary was a virgin.
I am a virgin.
I am the Virgin Mary.

See? Isn't that fun? I've been trying it with lots of things to help me inflate my self-worth.

Brad Pitt went to the University of Missouri
I go to the University of Missouri.
I am Brad Pitt.

Nomar Garciaparra wears a Red Sox hat.
I wear a Red Sox hat.
I am Nomar Garciaparra.

Jesus Christ was born on December 25.
I was born on December 25.
I am Jesus Christ.

I have found that you can take it to even greater, more insane extremes:

Chris O'Donnell was raised in Winnetka, IL
I was raised in Winnetka, IL
Chris O'Donnell was in Batman Forever with Val Kilmer who was in The Doors with Peter Crombie who was in My Dog Skip with Kevin Bacon.
I am Kevin Bacon.

Sheryl Crow went to the University of Missouri
I go to the University of Missouri.
Sheryl Crow used to date Eric Clapton, whose album with B.B. King, 'Riding with the King' just went double-platinum.
I am B.B. King.

Jeff Goldblum uses Apple computers.
I use Apple computers.
Jeff Goldblum was in Jurassic Park with a bunch of animatronic velociraptors.
I am Stephen Spielberg.

This column is a one-joke wonder.
Will and Grace is a one-joke wonder.
I write this column.
I write for Will and Grace.
Oh my God. What have I become?

Did you hear that Stephen Spielberg is schizophrenic? Seriously.

7 March 2001