Registration Tips

Tomorrow is the last day of registration, which means if you haven't registered by now, you're either: a) irresponsible or b) a freshman.

If you are irresponsible, I hope you enjoy your 8 AM classes, lazy. If you are a freshman, I encourage you to become older as soon as possible, as this will increase your chances of getting a better registration time.

You see, the University of Missouri has the daunting task of assigning registration times for 17,000 undergraduate students. The way that some students are selected ahead of other students is based on: first, the number of credit hours one has, and second, the student's projected year of graduation. So if you are a freshman who has lots of AP credits coming into college, you probably registered before me. You are also a nerd. Nerd.

Obviously, after these two factors have been looked at, there are lots of students who are in the same boat in terms of both graduation year and credit hours. For example, there are literally thousands of students projected to graduate in 2005 have only fifteen credit hours going into next semester. So how does the University of Missouri select who goes first and who goes last? According to one faculty member who wanted to remain nameless, it is a very intricate process involving the ancient art of reading tea leaves, and putting students with funny names at the end of the list. For example, if your name is Ivana Tinkle or Filthy McNasty, you probably have a bad registration time.

I know what you're all wondering: "Say, Alex, you're a junior who is incredibly smart and good looking. Can you give me some tips to get a better registration time?" Well, of course I can.

Tip #1: Take some summer school classes. Summer school will get you credit hours which will boost you up in the hours category, which will help you get a registration time. It will also finagle your parents out of some of their money. Whoever said that college is about learning and not about wasting as much of your parents money as humanly possible was just downright wrong.

Tip #2: Work harder in your classes. According to my extensive research, MU may or may not take into account grade point average when calculating registration times. If you have a 4.0 and still have a bad registration time, then skip a class or two and stop screwing up the curves for the rest of us.

Tip #3: Change your major to something that nobody cares about. I need not say that registration time in the journalism school is somewhat cutthroat. That is why I am an English major. Because I will be unemployable upon graduation, I can get into almost any class I want. More examples of these are Agronomy, Environmental Design, and Art History.

Tip #4: Do not be my roommate. For some reason, MU decided to give my roommate, Mark, the worst registration time a junior has ever received in history. As a result, he is taking four courses in the Fisheries and Wildlife Department, and English 20 for the second time.

Tip #5: If your name is Filthy McNasty, get some therapy. Your parents must hate you.

Also appeared in the MU Student News.