The Kid With The Lunch Box

Despite the fact that I have written nearly a half a dozen columns for this fine publication [the MU Student News], I still have not been showered with the great city-wide fame that I expected to come along with being a weekly columnist for the number two student newspaper at the state's flagship university. After all, this is the flagship university. So what gives? Why are there not fans mobbing me at every corner? Why is it that I can freely go to the drug store to pick up my Paxil, Viagra, Dexatrim and Immodium A-D without being embarrassed by photo-hungry paparazzi? Why is it that not once has my privacy been invaded by an obsessed fan trying to photograph me in my sleep?

Maybe you're all shy. Well, don't be. You all should feel free to approach me at any point in time on campus. I'll be happy to answer any questions or address any concerns you may have about me, my column, or anything else that might have to do with me. I swear, I won't bite (unless I have paid you to let me do so)!

Maybe you haven't approached me because you're not sure what I look like. As you can see, the photo shown above shows me in a tuxedo. Sometimes people are shocked to find out that I do not actually wear a tux all the time. That's just camera magic. So how will you recognize me? Well, on days that I eat lunch on campus, I bring my lunch to campus in a snazzy Simpsons lunch box. I realize that this is not common among college students, so it does not surprise me when people look at me funny (although this often happens without the lunch box, but that's another column). Not everyone thinks I'm weird, though. Lots of people complement my lunch box, and very often these people are not my mother. However, lots of people ask me a very perplexing question. And by perplexing, I mean moronic. I would like to recreate this recurring conversation using one of my patented Verbatim Dialogues™:

Person With Good Intentions But No Brains: Nice lunch box.
Me: Thanks.
PWGIBNB: So, uh, do you really put your lunch in there?
Me: No. I put all of my textbooks and notes in this nine-by-seven inch lunch box.
PWGIBNB: Really?
Me: Yes. Also, there is a laptop computer and Stephens College.
PWGIBNB's head explodes.

However, the easiest way to recognize me on campus is to watch for a guy opening an ice-cold beer. It seems that whenever I open a beer, it begins to snow and all of the women on campus tear off their clothing to reveal that they are actually bikini-clad models. Then they flock to me and my beer and therefore good looks.

Also appeared in October 1, 2001 edition of MU Student News.