But Escalades are Inefficient!
News break! Gas prices are high! According to CNN Headline News, high gas prices are hitting the midwest the hardest out of any part of the country. Americans are still griping about how outrageous it is that it costs $50 to fill up our 6 mile-per-gallon S.U.V. Imagine that! Seems to me like Americans are just being inefficient. The Europeans don't gripe about their gas prices despite the fact that they are almost five times higher than ours. What is it that they are doing that we aren't?
Well, fear not, fellow wonderers of how Europeans are conserving gas. For the first time, the secrets of how Europeans are conserving gas are available in the United States-- by means of my column. So without further wasting words in order to reach 500 at some point, I present:
The "Babies, Puppies and Black Tar Heroin" Guide to European-style Gas Conservation
Tip#1: Heating. Europeans have been known to run their air-conditioners in the winter, and their heaters in the summer. Uncomfortable? You bet! But conservation isn't about comfort. It's about saving the environment, you greedy asshole!
Tip #2: Smoking. According to some reputable publication, European adults are 50 percent more likely to be smokers. The reason for this is because nicotine is an appetite suppressant. While we Americans are getting fat and not smoking, Europeans are dying of lung cancer left and right -- but staying thin in the process. We Americans need big fat cars to drive our big fat butts around. Europeans are slim and filled with nicotine-y healthiness. Try and fit four full-grown Wisconsonians into a Ford Escort! It can't be done! So do your environment - and your wallet - a favor, and start smoking today!
Tip #3: the Male Birth Control Pill. I hear they have it in Europe now. Isn't that amazing?
Tip #4: Media Influences. European pop artists tend to encourage their listeners to help the environment by conserving gas. Take, for example, this lyric from England's Coldplay: "Look at the stars, see how they shine for you/I like your gas-efficient Ford Fiesta." By contrast, take a look at popular American rapper Nelly's smash hit E.I.: "Then I slide up in an Escalade/me and E gettin' solid like the ice capades." Now, Escalades only get a paltry 12 miles per gallon. For shame, Nelly! How could you be promoting the use of such an inefficient vehicle? Instead, why not promote the use of a vehicle like the Honda Insight, a gas-hybrid car that gets 62 miles per gallon? Look at how your updated lyrics would be: "Then I slide up in a gas-electric hybrid Honda Insight/me and E gettin' solid like the ice St. LouisinthehouseIloveSt.LouisSt.Louis4eva." See? All you have to do is change one word, and it still sounds like every other Nelly song.
Also appeared in September 24, 2001 edition of MU Student News.