I'm thinking about becoming a Coffeeist

As most of you know, I have been somewhat unsure in my religious beliefs for quite awhile. Well, I have finally come up with a religion that I might go with: Coffeeism.

For me, one of the big problems with organized religion is that they ask you to believe things blindly, which, as an incredible cynic, I have a lot of problems with. But with Coffeeism, I don't have to believe blindly. I don't have to call out to Coffee in the middle of the night, wondering if It is really there. If I'm ever having doubts about whether or not Coffee exists, I can just go downstairs and look at my bag of Guatemala Antigua from Osama's. Ahhh, there you are, Coffee.

Religion helps many people get through some really tough times. When people are feeling down or sick or lonely, they look to God to help them get through these times. During my tough times, I look to Coffee to help me. When I'm feeling down and need a little pick-me-up, I can order a Latte or a Mocha as a special treat. Coffee appears in many forms and works in many ways. Coffee was there last week when I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning editing my story for creative writing. Coffee was there when I stayed up all night on Thursday to put the finishing touches on my English 205 final paper. And Coffee will be there this week, to help me get through my final exams, to study hard and get good grades. Where is God throughout all of this? He's up in heaven sitting on his fat ass, that's where he is! God ain't working for me. But Coffee sure as hell is.

Then there is the social aspect of being a Coffeeist. If I ask a girl out to get a cup of Coffee, she won't go, but she won't think that it is an unreasonable request, either. If I asked a girl if she wanted to get a cup of God, she'd probably call the cops on me. Plus, even if she did say yes, I wouldn't be able to impress her with my knowledge of many different roasts and flavors of Gods, like I would be with Coffee.

Of course, being a Coffeeist wouldn't be all fun and games. There aren't any holidays for Coffeeists. As a Coffeeist, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Christmas, Easter, or any other holiday I currently recognize in a purely pagan, non-religious, candy-eating way. And one always does have to ask, who was it that created Coffee? Should I be worshipping this person instead of the Glorious Liquid itself? Some more conservative Coffeeists believe in the Bean and not the Liquid, and believe that all those who drink the Liquid have been brainwashed by a western hatred of true Coffeeists. But most Coffeeists are not that extreme. They are, by and large, a peaceful - although hyperactive - people.