Womens' Magazines, or, 9 Billion ways to make him crazy

I saw a woman reading Cosmo/Glamour/Jane/99 new outrageous positions monthly/Mademoiselle on the airplane. The title of the article she was reading was "The Four Habits That He says he hates (but secretly loves)."

Clearly, this womens' magazine has not talked to a whole lot of MEN in terms of this subject, because almost every guy I know says what he means, especially when it comes to stuff that bugs him.
For example, one of the things this magazine said men secretly love is "your bitchy side."
Now, I'm not an expert about anything, but even I can tell you that nobody, male or female, likes it when their partner acts like a bitch. Maybe this person who wrote the article is dating a masochist, but I have NEVER been hanging around with my guy friends and had them say something like "My girlfriend has been acting like SUCH a bitch lately. God, I love that."

I would guess that the reason this magazine did seem to think that a man would actually like something he said he didn't is because women run on something I like call Woman Logic, and men run on something I like to call Man Logic (ingenius, I know).
To better illustrate the subtle differences between Man Logic and Woman Logic, I present the following scenario:

A young man and a young woman are at a party.

Young Woman: Boy,that was some good punch. (Translation: "offer to get me some punch.")
Young Man: Yup. (Translation: "Yup.")

Now, every guy reading this column is asking himself "Why does she want him to get her more punch? She can get it her damn self!" To which every woman reading this column would respond, "To show that he's considerate, you inconsiderate bastard!"

The point of all this? To teach a lesson to each of the sexes. To women: men mean what they say. If a guy says "I'm thinking about buying a new car," it does not mean "My new car will fill the void in my life that will be left when I dump you, you heartless bitch." It means "I'm thinking about buying a new car."

To men: whenever a girl says something, always assume that she means something else. For example, if her birthday is coming up, and you go shopping, buy EVERYTHING she says she likes. That way, she won't get mad when you miss all the "hints" she's been dropping. In general, just stay on your toes. "Get me a glass of water" could mean, "Wash my car for me." "Let's watch The Cosby Show" could mean "Let's have a talk about marriage and children."

Next week: real couples share their sizzling sex secrets that'll have him begging for more!