I'm Still Bitter About Getting Rejected from Yale

The election is soon, and as many voters are still undecided, I thought that instead of a regular column, I would write a coherent, informative endorsement for President of the United States, full of research, statistics, and facts that are pertinent to students at MU as well as people across the country.

But then I thought better and decided to make fun of the dumb Texan.

It's not so much that I'm pro-Gore, pro-Nader, pro-Buchanan, or pro-Browne, or pro-Constitution Party guy nobody's ever heard of, it's more like I'm just anti-George W. Bush. Why?

Remember the kid in your first grade class who used to eat paste and lick the flag pole in the winter just to see if it would really stick? On Tuesday, that kid may be elected the leader of the free world. A man who "doesn't trust the federal government," despite the fact that he wants to run it may have the codes to atomic bombs in his hands. That scares me. A man who is convinced that subliminable is a part of the English language will be representing our country all over the world. No offense George, but I'd rather have an intelligent, eloquent leader getting a BJ on the side representing the United States than a guy who stays faithful to his wife and can't even speak Texan.

Aside from his incoherence and flagrant stupidity, George W. Bush lacks two more important qualities that are truly necessary in a President: political experience and leadership qualities.

Take this analogy to think about what a responsibility being the President of the United States is: Would you give a drivers license to a five-year-old, or a 24-year-old who had been watching somebody drive for the car for the last 8 years? You wouldn't even have to think about it. The five year old, if he even figured out how to turn on the car, would push all of the buttons, spray all of the windshield wiper fluid, turn on the radio real loud and jump around the car like a little monkey on crack. He would play with the power windows and turn on the seat warmers and scream at the top of his lungs "my fanny is getting hot!" and laugh uproariously. I know all this because I have the intellectual capacity of a five year old, and this is what I do on the weekends. The big difference between me and Governor Bush is that I am not attempting to become the leader of the free world.

Electing George W. Bush to the presidency just does not make sense. It's like giving a typewriter to a cat and telling it to reproduce the entire catalog of Gilbert and Sullivan. And, no, I couldn't come up with a better end to the column. Maybe Jim Leher will bail me out.

Jim, could we, uh...?

6 November 2000