The Placidity of the Confusion of the Stupid: Yet Another Reason BU should Get Cable.
There is a sign in the "park" directly to the west
of CGS. The reason why I put "park" in quotations is
because it's as close to a park as BU can seem to produce. There
are picnic tables, but instead of grass, there's gravel.
Anyway, the reason why I bring up this park is because there is a sign in the park that reads:
Do Not Chain Bicycles to Rails.
They Will Be Removed
I have yet to see any CGS students chain their bikes to the rails in hopes of seeing the rails removed, but it wouldn't surprise me. Yes, in a past article (Common Misconceptions About CGS) I harped about how CGS students aren't all that dumb, but I also talked abut the worst kind of stupid person: a LOUD stupid person.
A girl in my rhetoric class has driven me over the edge in the stupid and loud category. My options after being pushed over this edge are to A) yell at her, B) pee on her, or C) exploit her on the internet. Naturally I chose B, but then realizing the lawsuits and arrests that would result therein, I changed my mind and went for C.
Naturally, I will not say this girl's name on the website because that would take the entire mystique of of who this girl is. Ask anyone on CGS team E (yes, we have teams. More on this next week.) if this sounds like a girl they know.
She is the second-dumbest girl I have ever met. The first dumbest girl I have ever meet was the girl in my math class who I took a group quiz with. THAT girl is so stupid she inspired me to write a song about her... maybe I'll post the lyrics someday. Probably not. I'm pretty lazy, which is more or less why I haven't written a column in two weeks. She thought that a cubic graph - which kind of looks like an backwards and sideways letter S - was a parabola - which looks like a letter U. Clearly, she was born in the evil hospital that I saw on "20/20" the other night.
But I digress...
The original girl I was talking about, the second dumbest girl I've ever met, really enjoys telling me all about her experiences doing stupid things with her stupid boyfriend. She often comes up to me to talk to me about South Park because I enjoy that show. However, what she doesn't seem to get is that I don't have cable, nor do I care what she does every Wednesday at 10:30 pm with her stupid boyfriend. On a completely unrelated note, she has a thick Boston accent.
And now, time for one of the Weekly Complaint's famous Verbatim Dialogues:
This is the typical conversation that takes place between me and the girl in question every Thursday morning. To protect her anonymity, we'll call her George W. Bush, because I like them both about the same amount, they both have about the same amount of political experience, and they both have about the same intelligence level.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Hey, did you see South Pahk last night?
ME: No, George, I told you last week, and the week before. I don't have cable.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Every Wednesday my boyfriend and I smoke a fat bowl before South Pahk.
ME: I know. You tell me this every week.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Remember last night when Cahtman was talking about how Kyle's mom was a bitch? That was fuckin' pissah!
ME: I don't have cable, George.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Me and my boyfriend smoke so much reefah.
ME: Yeah, I can tell.
GEORGE W. BUSH: How can you tell?
ME: You're incredibly stupid and you don't remember anything.
GEORGE W. BUSH: I do too remembah things!
ME: What did we do in Rhetoric yesterday?
GEORGE W. BUSH: Our Professah talked about the President's Day Holiday and how Tuesday was gonna be a Monday schedule.
ME: That was two weeks ago!
GEORGE W. BUSH: I know. Fact is, I don't remembah anything from yestahday. I was wacked out on cocaine all day.
ME: I didn't know you did cocaine, George!
GEORGE W. BUSH: Duuuh, I'm the Governor of Texas. We kill more people than any other state. My daddy was the President! Yo hablar español!
Sorry, that last part was the ACTUAL George W. Bush. Thanks
for guest-starring in the Verbatim Dialogues, George!
Keep rollin' till next week, amigos.
18 February 2000