I realize that I write many of my columns on stupid people and the stupidity of stupid people, but that is mostly because this column is entitled "the weekly complaint." Because I complain about things that bother me. And there are very few things that bother me more than stupid people. One of these things is stupid, drunk people, which, unfortunately, has nothing to do with this week's column.

However, this week's column does involve some stupid people with whom I am acquainted. And there was drinking at the time of their stupidity reaching its height. Unfortunately, I don't think that these stupid individuals were drunk, which would make this column a lot more fun. The good thing is that the subject matter makes up for the fact that the stupid people were not drunk. This is the most worthless paragraph I have ever written for this column.

I am at a party to say good-bye to a good friend of mine (she is moving to San Fransisco for the summer. I do not want to attend this party other than to see her). There is typical first-summer-after-college party banter going on: How was your first year? What are you majoring in? You're in a sorority? Why the fuck are you doing that? And, the actual subject of this column: How do you define a cocksucker? Interesting, eh? THAT's intelligent party banter. Forget free trade with China, gay marriage, or this pressydenshul e-lectshun a-commin' up. Heaven forbid a discussion about a good book or movie out would surface. The REAL question at issue here is:

How do you define a cocksucker?

Some people seemed to think that if you suck a cock once you are a cocksucker. Some people thought that perhaps that was just experimentation. To find out the real story, I sat down with Matthew Hammond, the President of the American Cocksuckers Association (ACA). My interview with him is printed below:

Taftese: Thank you for taking time out to talk to us, Mr. Hammond. I know you are a very busy man.

Matthew Hammond: Well, you know, gotta keep suckin' all that cock!

T: Quite. The question on a lot of peoples minds, Mr. Hammond, is how, exactly, do you define a cocksucker?

MH: Well, believe it or not, we get this a lot. Sometimes people come into our offices and are questioning whether or not they are a cocksucker. Sometimes people are concerned about someone who they think may be a cocksucker, and may not know it. Sometimes people just want to chat about what it means to be a cocksucker.

T: So how do you go about diagnosing whether or not a person is actually a cocksucker?

MH: We have composed a very simple to understand, yet effective test to find out who actually is a cocksucker.

T: What sort of questions would one see on that test?

MH: Some of the questions are obvious, like, "Have you ever sucked cock? If yes, how many times a week do you suck cock?" Some are a bit more difficult, like, "Have you ever missed work because you were sucking cock?" "Which of the following words reminds you the most of sucking cock: A. Throbbing B. Pillow C. Television D. Palm Pilot™"

T: Interesting. But one thing that grabs me is how are you able to make sure that the test does not get outdated? Obviously, being a cocksucker in the year 2000 is different than being a cocksucker in 1964.

MH: Very true, Alex, very true. Fortunately, we have a great team of psychologists, physicians, pimps, prostitutes, and porn stars on the premises to make sure our test stays updated.

T: And finally, Mr. Hammond, are you yourself a cocksucker?

MH: Hell, yes.

 There you have it folks, straight from the mouth of the biggest cocksucker in the country.