My Christmas Birthday Present Column (Notes V)
I think I’m going to write more “notes”-style columns. I keep getting all of these good ideas that are too short to make into full-length columns. Or, at least, I think they’re good ideas. I’ve come to realize that what I think is funny and what others think is funny can be – and most of the time is – very different. So, this year I’m giving myself a birthday present of screwing you bastards and writing what I want:
- Man, when they caught Saddam Hussein, he did not look like a man who had ever been in charge of anything. He looked like a guy who had been living in a hole for nine months. You know how they said that the first words out of his mouth were “I want to negotiate?” Well, apparently, the fact that he said that is a big deal in the Arab world; it has something to do with negotiating and their culture and stuff I am basically undereducated about. But the point is, I be he didn’t really say “I want to negotiate.” I bet he said “Jesus fucking Christ, where have you guys been? The planes and the bombs hit, and all of my ‘loyal’ sidekicks fled the country faster than pepper from soap in water. You never did that one in science class? Oh, it’s pretty cool. You just sprinkle some pepper in a dish of water, and then put some soap in the water, and all the pepper runs away from the soap! You gotta do it with a light-colored dish to see it right. Anyway, those bastards fled and left Saddam alone in the palace. And then it hits me: I’m all alone. That’s when I set up the hole in Tikrit. In Tikrit! Come on! I went to my home town! It took you nine friggin’ months to find me in my home town? I was by the river, for Chrissakes! Where else are you going to set up a hole? I can’t believe that shit.”
- Man, remember college? Man. Those weren’t the days.
- I think that putting “can tell the difference between Indica and Semica” on my resume is scaring off some potential employers.
- No matter what they tell me, the voices in my head just can’t seem to convince me they’re real.
- I still don’t understand how to approach women in the real world. They’re too skeptical It seems like every time I give a woman the “Hey, I’m attracted to you” look, I get a look back that’s somewhere between “Hey, I’m also attracted to you” and “Hey, are you going to follow me home and rape me?” And, you know, I can’t blame women for being skeptical in this day and age… you never know who is going to be a creep-ball. Maybe I should change my approach from the “Hey, I’m attracted to you” look to just walking up to the woman and saying, “Hey, so, uh… I’m not going to rape you.”
- There’s something about this time of the year that fills me with wonder. Oh yeah, I know what it is: How the hell can people believe the Christmas story? I mean, Mary and Joseph were engaged when Mary got pregnant, right? Sure, Mary. God got you pregnant. And I got the flu from Allah.
Original post date: December 24, 2003
