How To Have A Great Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the most American of holidays; not just because it is a holiday that celebrates our country's heritage, but because it captures the true essence of America. What holiday captures what being an American is all about better than Thanksgiving? It is a day in which not only we are expected, but encouraged, to overeat excessively, and then to wallow in our excess by watching 350-pound men beat the living hell out of each other for the chance to win one of the legs off of John Madden's genetically modified six-legged turkey. Now that's America.

But Thanksgiving isn't all fun, games and binging. Many Americans dread the holiday, as it means that one will likely have to deal with relatives with whom one does not necessarily get along. There are always small children to look after, which can be a nuisance, especially when putting together such a complex meal. These dilemmas, along with others, have motivated me to make this handy-dandy list on how to have a great Thanksgiving:

• At dinnertime, come in dressed as a pilgrim, and have your sister dress up as a Native American. Do a short sketch about the first Thanksgiving that everyone will be sure to enjoy. Then, after dinner is over, rape your sister and take her land.
• Nobody wants to be the one to tend to the young children or the very elderly. Entertain them (and keep them quiet) by having them work on this classing Thanksgiving craft: Give everyone some construction paper, glue, feathers and markers and show them how to make "hand" turkeys. Then, while they're busily tracing their hands, slip some Valium into their drinks.
• Thanksgiving rituals can get tired after years and years of the same old thing. This year, instead of a spirited debate about Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot and its postmodernist themes, try watching "Foot-ball," a popular sporting event broadcast throughout the day on television.
• To remind everyone of what Thanksgiving is really all about, serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of turkey. When people think it's a joke, explain that the sandwiches are symbolic of all we have to be thankful for; for many people on this day would be thankful to have even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then, after everyone is feeling guilty, whip out that big-ass turkey, and eat until you pass out.
• After the meal, gather around the Thanksgiving tree and sing your favorite Thanksgiving carols.
• If the family starts to get into an argument about something, remember that you are all adults, and that the best way to solve a familiar argument is by means of a food fight, or curling up in the fetal position and humming "Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows" until it's over.
• Tell everyone that's coming that it's a toga Thanksgiving dinner, and see who's dumb enough to show up in a toga.

Also appeared in November 21, 2002 edition of the MU Student News.