The Taftese Guide to Choosing a Political Party

It's clear that we, as a country, are very confused right now.

We all know the bizarre details of the 2000 presidential election, when a man who won the popular vote lost the election.

Last Tuesday, Americans went to the voting booths again. This time, roughly 30 percent of us voted to have a Republican congress to match our non-popular-vote elected Republican president. To make matters even more confusing, the same 30 percent voted to have mostly Democratic governors.

It kind of makes you wonder what would happen if the majority of the country voted in an election; the last time that happened was 2000.

Oh.

I personally believe a lot of America's confusion and general voter apathy has a lot to do with conflicting political ideals; namely, our inherent desire to have public services (Education, hooray!), and our inherent desire to not want to pay for them (Taxes, boo!). So, because I am a believer in democracy, I have prepared a guide to help those of you who are undecided about picking a political party for the 2004 election.

• Republican
  The Republican party is often referred to in the press as the G.O.P., which stands for Greedy Old People. Republicans are a generally grumpy type, who like to sit out on their porch, hoarding guns and money so that only they may have access to higher education, health care and the ultimate salvation given to those (white men) who worship Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Women are welcome in the Republican party, provided that they have cooked something nice for the Church pot lock.
• Democrat
  The party symbol for the Democrat is the donkey, because when the Democrats were coming up with party symbols, the Democrats wanted the worst possible animal outside of the turkey. Democrats have long held the unpopular and controversial stance of wanting to spend people's money all willy-nilly on government that has become so bloated that it makes Anna Nicole Smith look like Kate Moss.
• Libertarian
  Libertarians, like Republicans, believe that government should be smaller and that taxes should be lower; however, like liberal Democrats, libertarians also believe that the government should have no little to bearing over social issues, such as freedom of speech and drug laws. The libertarian party also believes that the government should be run primarily by state governments and that each state should have their own militia. Each state's militia would raise money by invading other states and stealing their money, because there would be no federal or state imposed taxes. Public schools would be funded by the luxury taxes placed upon legal child pornography and drugs. Also, goats and livestock would be an accepted form of paying these taxes.
• Green
  The Green party is the Christianity of political parties: it is a whole bunch of good ideas that don't work out in real life. The Green party believes in taxing the living hell out of everything that we could tax: pollution, marijuana, pornography, prostitution; all of which would go toward Americans living in a quasi-socialistic utopia. The government, using its newfound wealth, would provide the finest free, public education in the world to all of its citizens, who would make a minimum "living wage" of $12 an hour. Also, trees will no longer shed leaves in the fall, they will shed money. Free vegan-friendly gumdrops would be handed out every day to all people feeling sad, and every Thursday at 7 pm would be the government sponsored weekly fun-run, which includes a barbecue and a dance.

Also appeared in November 14, 2002 edition of the MU Student News