New: The Workaholic

Poems
the important things.
the best poem ever
a hardcore song about bill gates
a poem about why i hate teen angst poetry
my job
coffee cake
baseball
not gay
New England
Economics
The Vegetarian
Ode to Canada
Utopia
Nerd
The poem whose first six lines begin with prepositions
Prerequisite reading for this poem: Texts by Ursula K. LeGuin
Writer's Block
The Moment
AppleWorks
autumn-time
Monster Cereals
Exposed
Sleepy Time
Sleepy Time II
Snow
Blizzard

the important things. | top

clothes
"j crew makes good stuff for around the house, but banana makes good stuff for going out."

hair
"god, you look cute! where did you have that done? you look just like jennifer aniston!"

cars
"did you see that new ford excursion? that car kicks ass"

beer
"i hate the taste of beer, but i'll drink it if there's nothing else to get me drunk."

football
"that guy knocked over that other guy. cool."

the best poem ever | top

i was in the cafe
and an ani difranco song came
on the jukebox.
and i thought to myself:
"boy, ani difranco sucks
i really hate her music.
she makes me want to vomit"

but then i thought of you

so i guess ani difranco
isn't so bad
after
all

a hardcore song about bill gates | top

fuckyoubillgatesfuckyou

yousonofacockmasteringshitbitchyouneedtodiewithyourmicrosoftshit

youdidn'tevencomeupwiththeideaforthepointclickdesktopdesignthatwasappleyouunoriginalbastard

ifuckinghateyourmicrosoftshitandyourmonopolywhichisindirectlyoppressingmebecauseicantgetfreeinternetaccessthroughnetzero.com.

motherfuckingbillgates

sXe.

caniborrowadollar?i'llpayyoubacktomorrowipromise.i'mgoodforit

A poem about why i hate teen angst poetry | top

black

hole

murder

death

despair

anguish

misunderstanding

l
o
n
e
l
i
n
e
s
s

knife

blood

juice

coffee

pancakes

sausage

bacon

sausage

bacon

sausage

sausage

toast

my job | top

just because i
wear this apron
and smell like
coffee grinds
does not mean
you can mock
me.

oh wait.

yes it does.

coffee cake | top

damn you
why did you eat that last bite of
coffee cake?
i was going to eat that, you asshole

Baseball | top

man
i love Baseball
i love Baseball more than almost anything
Baseball
never judges you based on
how you look.
Baseball
never throws a glass of water at your face.
Baseball
never tells you that you are a bad lay.
Baseball
never asks about your feelings.
But enough about Football.
That bitch.

not gay | top

it's hard to say
why i'm not gay

New England | top

Drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink away your sexual urges.

Economics | top

There was this guy
in my economics class
and he said
"this class is so gay"
and I said,
"no it's not. but do you know what is?

having sex with other men."

The Vegetarian | top

If you are a
vegetarian
and you still eat
fish and chicken
you are not a
vegetarian
you are a
dumbass
who thinks
fish and chicken
are some sort of
plants

Ode to Canada | top

Hail! Great land
with socialized health care, Poutine, and
The Metric System
Bring forth thy mounties 'top horses
Donned in the red that signifies
Maple Leaf
Ketchup Chips
Pizza at McDonald's
And Quebequois as far as the eye can see.
Is it heaven?
Nay!
'Tis Canada!

Utopia | top

Utopia
is when
nothing
is in
the shop.

Nerd | top

yes. i am a nerd.
but at least i don't have
the clap.

The poem whose first six lines begin with prepositions | top

In a country
In a state
In a city
On a college campus
In a classroom
Out of a wall
Is a pipe
That stands up
Straight and Proud
and looks
disturbingly
like a penis.

Prerequisite reading for this poem: Texts by Ursula K. LeGuin | top

Your writing is
Gibberish.

and

Gibberish
is not deep;
it is just incoherent.

Writer's Block | top

I hate you,
Writer's Block.
Why?
Because you are so...
so...
so...

SHIT!

The Moment | top

It was raining last night
And I thought of you
I thought of you.
I wanted to
kiss you
in the rain, I wanted to
caress you
in the rain, I wanted to
hold you
in the rain.

And then,
I farted.

AppleWorks | top

teh
taht
tehy
waht
goign
adn

Suck it, Microsoft Word.

autumn-time | top

it is september
the leaves are changing
it is getting colder
the little children are going back to school;
their little minds are trepidatious.
and apples are really cheap.
because of their extraordinary abundance.

Monster Cereals | top

Rest In Peace,
Fruit Brute
and
Yummy Mummy,
later renamed
Fruity Yummy Mummy now with vanilla marshmallows

Damn you General Mills!

Exposed | top

I feel naked
Without my hat
But
I feel more naked
Without my pants

Sleepy Time | top

And now,
Night
Has come.

It is time
for all of the children
To curl up
In their soft, warm blankets

Except for the bed-wetters
Who have rubber sheets.

Sleepy Time II | top

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the --- Oh wait, that's Stand By Me by the Drifters.

Snow | top

The serenity and silence
of snow
Can be compared only
to the

Innocence

of a

child;

A

child

Who has been beaten unconscious by deadly, deadly snowflakes.

Blizzard | top

When the snow falls with any ferocity
They duck their heads
They squint their eyes
They hide their faces 'neath their coats
As if shielding themselves from the fiery blaze of the dragon
You know what they are thinking;
You have thought it before.
When the snow falls with any ferocity
They think of warm fires
Hot cocoa
A cozy bed.
They cling desperately to memories to keep their souls warm
In hopes that it will warm their bodies.
That's when I take their wallets.

The Workaholic | top

I bet being addicted to
Your Job
isn't as much fun as being addicted to
Drugs