Please Stop Asking About My Policies

I am sure that you are all aware that I am running for Governor of the state of California in the recall election in October. Who would have thought that a policeman’s son, former Mr. Universe and famed action movie star would be in a surprisingly good position to take charge of the country’s largest state? Not me, that is for sure. And that is why I am writing this column: Ever since I announced my candidacy on The Tonight Show, I have been bombarded by questions about my policies.

For Christ’s sake, everyone calm down! Who would have thought that American voters would be so interested in what I have to say? I mean, if I were running in Austria or something, I could see people being interested in my policies. But this is America. Hell, this isn’t even America; it’s California. I was hoping to ride to the Governor’s mansion on a train made out of Governor Davis’ frightening unpopularity, wacky t-shirts, and movie-related campaign slogans. Let’s try one out now:

Governor Davis: Come October 7, you will be Totally Recalled.

See, isn’t that fun? Doesn’t that want to make you go out and cast your vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger? Wait, let’s do one more:

Governor Davis: Come October 7, you will be Terminated… from your position as Governor of the state of California.

See, isn’t that fun? Honestly, what is with you Californian voters? Since when was a catchy campaign slogan not enough to sway you? Ever since the election, all I get is questions, questions, questions! “Mr. Schwarzenegger, what are you going to do about the energy crisis in the state?” “Mr. Schwarzenegger, what are you going to do about the enormous state deficit that threatens to cripple our very way of life?”

Okay, I am going to say this only once, so please listen to me: I don’t know. I do not have the foggiest idea. I don’t know what I am going to do about any of it. Now, I realize that this preliminary policy of not knowing what I am going to do is almost as frightening as the condition of our state. But I can assure you, had Maria and I known that there would have been this much preparation expected of us when we decided to do this, I would have hired the people to make up my policies a long time ago. But don’t worry, California; since making my announcement on The Tonight Show, I have hired the proper people, and they are busy right now making up policies for me to believe in. If that doesn’t bring you some sort of comfort, then I don’t know what will… Perhaps another movie-related campaign slogan?

Governor Davis: Come October 7, you will hasta la vista, baby.

Don’t you feel better now? It is nice little escape, isn’t it? Just like one of my popular movies. Good, now that you are calm, let me say this to further placate you:
We here in the state of California have lived through a lot of broken promises. It is time for these broken promises to stop, and for not-broken promises to begin. And as a man who genuinely cares about the United States of America, the state of California and its people, I can genuinely promise you, the voters, this: At some point before election day, I will not just have meaningless name recognition like many of the other 134 candidates in this election; I will also have policies.

Original Post Date: August 16, 2003