The Taftese Guide to Choosing a Political Party
It's clear that we, as a country, are very confused right now.
We all know the bizarre details of the 2000 presidential election,
when a man who won the popular vote lost the election.
Last Tuesday, Americans went to the voting booths again. This
time, roughly 30 percent of us voted to have a Republican congress
to match our non-popular-vote elected Republican president. To
make matters even more confusing, the same 30 percent voted to
have mostly Democratic governors.
It kind of makes you wonder what would happen if the majority
of the country voted in an election; the last time that happened
I personally believe a lot of America's confusion and general
voter apathy has a lot to do with conflicting political ideals;
namely, our inherent desire to have public services (Education,
hooray!), and our inherent desire to not want to pay for them
(Taxes, boo!). So, because I am a believer in democracy, I have
prepared a guide to help those of you who are undecided about
picking a political party for the 2004 election.
The Republican party is often referred to in the press as the
G.O.P., which stands for Greedy Old People. Republicans are a
generally grumpy type, who like to sit out on their porch, hoarding
guns and money so that only they may have access to higher education,
health care and the ultimate salvation given to those (white
men) who worship Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Women are
welcome in the Republican party, provided that they have cooked
something nice for the Church pot lock.
The party symbol for the Democrat is the donkey, because when
the Democrats were coming up with party symbols, the Democrats
wanted the worst possible animal outside of the turkey. Democrats
have long held the unpopular and controversial stance of wanting
to spend people's money all willy-nilly on government that has
become so bloated that it makes Anna Nicole Smith look like Kate
Libertarians, like Republicans, believe that government should
be smaller and that taxes should be lower; however, like liberal
Democrats, libertarians also believe that the government should
have no little to bearing over social issues, such as freedom
of speech and drug laws. The libertarian party also believes
that the government should be run primarily by state governments
and that each state should have their own militia. Each state's
militia would raise money by invading other states and stealing
their money, because there would be no federal or state imposed
taxes. Public schools would be funded by the luxury taxes placed
upon legal child pornography and drugs. Also, goats and livestock
would be an accepted form of paying these taxes.
The Green party is the Christianity of political parties: it
is a whole bunch of good ideas that don't work out in real life.
The Green party believes in taxing the living hell out of everything
that we could tax: pollution, marijuana, pornography, prostitution;
all of which would go toward Americans living in a quasi-socialistic
utopia. The government, using its newfound wealth, would provide
the finest free, public education in the world to all of its
citizens, who would make a minimum "living wage" of
$12 an hour. Also, trees will no longer shed leaves in the fall,
they will shed money. Free vegan-friendly gumdrops would be handed
out every day to all people feeling sad, and every Thursday at
7 pm would be the government sponsored weekly fun-run, which
includes a barbecue and a dance.
Also appeared in November 14, 2002 edition of the MU