Portrait of a Single Guy Part II
I can't help it.
Oh, sure. Some people might be skeptical of my "stare-longingly-and-look-away-quickly-when-they-realize-that-you're-staring" approach to trying to meet women, but trust me, it works. As soon as those ladies realize who it is that is staring at them, they can't resist. And who is it that's staring at them?
A natural born lady killer, that's who.
Consider this stifling statistic: In the past nine (9) months, I have gone out with two (2) women. Oh, yes. Two. And out of those two women, I have gone on more than one date with one (1) of them.
I know. They are extraordinary statistics, to say the least. Indeed, you all might be having difficulty comprehending exactly how I could have dated so many women in such a short period of time. I will say only this: I did not sleep a lot.
But now, it is time for this Don Juan de Marco of the 21st century to settle down for the summer. To be frank, this sleepless, sex-crazed, womanizing lifestyle is exhausting. That crazy life style may work well for Alex Taft during the hectic, fast-paced life of the school year, but not for the dog days of summer. Yes, for the summertime, Alex has to settle down and become a one-woman man.
Don't worry, baby. Dry those eyes. It could be you. It could be any of you reading this out there in internet-land. Hell, what lady isn't looking for a guy who scored a 6.6 on amigeekornot.com, who manages his own website, and has the body of a slightly overfed heroin addict? What lady isn't looking for a guy who doesn't like to go out, doesn't like going to parties, and who could quote the Simpsons on any topic, at any point in time? What single, available, attractive woman wouldn't want to date somebody who could discuss the intricate differences between Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Legend of Zelda: Mask of Majora? What beautiful college-aged woman, bursting with at the seams with a love for life, wouldn't want to date a guy who could talk for forty-five minutes about why the Dodgers will win the National League West?
Not many ladies, that's for damn sure.
Oh, and if you think that this is gonna come easy, you've got another thing coming. Yeah, that's right. I don't drink, do drugs, or listen to loud music, so you're not going to be able to get me all drunk, high or deaf and seduce me, like you've done to other guys in the past. That's right. The Battle of Taft is not one that is won easily; but the victory will be worth the bloodshed, baby.
Now, hold on for a second! Don't crowd around! I will consider each and every last one of you ladies. Please, form an orderly single file line. And would one of you lovely ladies grab me a cup of coffee? I have a feeling this is gonna take a while.
You know how I take my coffee, don't you?
Oh, you don't? Well, I'll tell you.
I take it with lots of skim milk...
and one sugar.