Looking for love in all the wrong places

My weekend was like any other weekend for any average, run-of-the-mill 20-year old college guy. I went out to dinner. Hung out with friends. I even caught the MU Symphony Orchestra in concert. But it wouldn't really be a weekend without the ultimate college male experience:

Lookin' for love.

Awwwww, yeah.

Generally, my definition of "looking for love" consists of starting longingly at girls in my Music 30 class, praying that I will someday garner the courage to speak to them, and that when I do, I will not fall down (balance is a problem for me; my center of gravity is located just below my eyebrows). But on the weekend it's a little different. The atmosphere is different. My mentality has changed. The mentality of all of those lovely ladies has changed. On Monday morning, they won't be expected to be approached by a possible suitor. But on Saturday night, they're expecting young men to approach them. And they have drinks ready to throw.

Romantically, I don't do very well with women, so recently I have decided to take pointers from my girl friends in regards of how to act around women. Most of my girl friends tell me to act confident around girls. When I try and do that, I end up sounding like this:
Me: Hey there, little lady!
Attractive Young Lady (a bit annoyed already): Um, hello.
Me: So, lemme say this: I have seen some hot ladies in here, but none as attractive as you.
AYL: Um, thanks.
Me: And that's a pretty big complement coming from me, don't you think?
AYL: What?
Me: I mean, let's face it... is there anyone in here that is better looking than me? I think we both know the answer to that. So, let's talk about your butt.
AYL throws drink in my face.

Some of my female friends like shy guys. So I try acting shy around girls, which kind of sounds like this:
Me: Hey, um, so, um, do you like, uh, want to, uh, go, uh, to, uh, do something?
AYL: What? Was that English?
Me: What? Um, no, I, uh---
AYL throws drink in my face.

Most of my female friends tell me that a sense of humor is the most important thing to lots of girls. This means that I have to use my plastic-sharp wit to try and convince a girl to go on a date with me.
Me: Hi there.
AYL: Hello.
Me: So, uh, what's your major?
AYL: Pre-law.
Me: Oh, really? So, why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps and California have the most lawyers?
AYL: I don't know.
Me: Because New Jersey got first choice!
AYL throws drink in my face.

But that is why this Saturday was different than every other Saturday. Because just as soon as I thought that - yet again - I would not find love, love found me.

Now, you may have heard the expression "money can't buy love." Whoever coined this expression has not heard of prostitutes. These ladies are miracle-workers! For a nominal fee, they will come to your home or place of business. And not just hang out there and maybe make out. These women will have SEX with you! Like real sex! Not the fake belly-humping stuff you see on Cinemax! I'm talking coitus! So if you're like me, and you can't seem to do very well with women, don't worry; prostitutes are there to help.

I am so lonely.

Also appeared in October 8, 2001 edition of MU Student News.