Why isn't baseball funnier?

After finishing my first screenplay and watching Major League on ESPN Classic for the 28,097th time, I realized my life's true calling: What do I love more than anything else in this world? Scheizer porn. But other than that? Comedy and baseball! I must write the next great baseball comedy movie!

So I sat down to start sketching out ideas for movie ideas, I realized that there isn't really all that much funny about baseball. The funniest part about baseball, really, is when the players play pranks on one another. The Cubs' Matt Stairs, for example, has been known to take batting practice wearing only a jock strap. Now, that's funny, but it becomes even funnier when you see a picture of Stairs:

From Chicagosports.com

Also, he's Canadian.

But Canada aside, there really isn't that much funny about baseball. My friends and I have made up some fun nicknames that we have given to players, like Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, and Mark "I eat babies" McGwire... but that really only goes so far. So, in order to make baseball more of a laugh-riot, I thought I would proudly introduce:

The Taftese list of how to make professional baseball funnier

1. Rubber chickens. Rubber chickens are always funny. Can you imagine Fred McGriff swinging a rubber chicken instead of a bat? Hilarity ensues! Especially because he has that helicopter follow-through, so he would likely hit himself in the head with the rubber chicken.

2. Rainbow wigs. You know how they have turn back the clock day? They should have a day where all of the players have to wear rainbow wigs like that guy who always holds up the "John 3:16" sign at football games.

3. Backwards inning. Have an inning where the players have to run backwards, from left to right. Start at third, go to second and then to first. Mark Grace hits his first triple since 1991.

4. Exploding baseballs. 144 baseballs are prepared for every game. Twelve dozen. They are not all used. Now imagine that one of those balls is an exploding ball, like an exploding golf ball. You might come upon an exploding ball during the game, you might not. Think of the excitement! Think of the absolute hysteria!

5. Allow the players to put anything they want on the back of their jerseys, like in the XFL. The boldest version of this in the major leagues is Ichiro Suzuki, who has Ichiro on the back of his Mariners jersey. But I'd like to see what some other players put on theirs. You know that Sammy Sosa, one of the games best personalities would shed "Sosa" for "Sammy," or "Slammin' Sammy" or "Baseball been very very good to me" or "I love you Chicago I love you Dominican Republic" or "Segundo?!?" or "I swing the bat I hit the ball." Come to think of it, I've never heard Sammy Sosa say anything other than any of those phrases.

6. Have Chris Berman and Ron Santo announce all professional baseball games. Here's why: Chris Berman comes up with the best nicknames in sports. My personal favorites are "The Seven Year" Ichiro, Bernard "Innocent until proven" Gilkey, and Jeff "Brown paper" Bagwell. Ron Santo is arguably the greatest analyst in the history of baseball. He is as incoherent as Harry Caray, and as big a fan as any bleacher bum. For years, I have listened to Ron's scratchy, terrible-for-radio voice howl "Oooohhhh noooooooo" to the back of Pat Hughes' articulate play-by-play as the Cubs let yet another game slip away. On top of that, he pronounces Sexson "Sexston," Heredia "Heereda," and Gutierrez "Guterez." He is just so bad that he's good.

7. Televise Tony Gwynn eating a really big sandwich before every game. They could even have a second camera on his knees as we watch them crumble under his massive torso.

9 April 2001