The Old "Walk-Up-and-Hump" Approach

I admit it, I don't get out much. So when some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to the Blue Note one Saturday night, my immediate reaction was, 'Who's playing?'

Well, it turns out that nobody was playing.

Apparently, when there is nobody playing at the Blue Note, the venue is transformed into a booty-shaking dance club known as Y107 night or Club 107 or something that has to do with that godforsaken excuse of a radio station.

Now, you might say that I'm not much of a 'club-goer.' Indeed, you might say I'm not much of a 'room-leaver.' In short, I wasn't quite sure what to expect on Club 107 night. So, like an anthropologist, I tried my best to transcend any prior knowledge and/or stereotypes I might have about club-going folks so that I could best become accustomed to their culture and their ways. I tried to be as objective as I possibly could. This lasted approximately five seconds. I realized very quickly that the Blue Note on Saturday night is simply a place where all social development that we, as a species and a culture have developed over the past 50,000 years is tossed right out the window. And I mean everything - from women's rights to basic vocal communication.

It is absolutely impossible for me to understand how romantic pursuit can exist - nee, thrive in an environment where basic communication is nearly impossible. When my friends and I got in the club, we had lots of conversations that went like this:
Friend: Hey, I like this song!
Me: What?
Friend: I LIKE this SONG!!!
Me: Yes, the Massachusetts turnpike IS long!

I fear to even imagine what it must be like to try and communicate with someone of the opposite sex. If I had attempted to do so (which, of course, I did not), I suppose it would have gone something like this:
Me: Hi!
Attractive Young Lady: What?!?
Me: You look nice!
AYL: You have pubic lice?
Me: No!
AYL: Did you just call me a ho?

Fortunately at the Blue Note, there is no verbal communication,as people seemed to find it inefficient to try and get to know somebody while 'I want to lick-lick-lick-lick you from your head to your toe' is blaring in the background. Instead, there is an intriguing means of nonverbal communication that goes on and is socially acceptable. The procedure is usually initiated by a young man, and it is generally performed in three steps:
1. Young man sees an attractive young woman dancing.
2. Young man approaches attractive young woman.
3. Young man places his pelvis on the young woman's general (ahem) glutial region and gyrates furiously.

This is the most primitive way of communicating attraction to another person since cavemen clubbed women over their heads and dragged them back to their caves. Call me a cranky old man in a spry, nubile 20-year-old's body, but don't people even talk anymore? Not once did I see anyone in that club even ask another person if they wanted to dance. 100% of the time, it was the old walk-up-and-hump approach. Now, I may be wrong, but I can only assume that marriage and children did not follow shortly thereafter. I didn't hang around to find out. I went home and did something novel: I actually communicated with my friends. Then I had a glass of warm milk and went to bed on my Craft-Matic adjustable bed.

Also appeared in October 22, 2001 edition of the MU Student News.