I Have Become More Apathetic

I have recently discovered that being frustrated and/or angry towards people doesn't accomplish a whole lot because people don't like confrontation. I used to enjoy offending people just enough to make them squirm but not too much so that they throw a punch at me. These are my finest moments, mostly because I do not get into fights. Were I ever to get into a fight, I would most likely duck into a corner and scream like a little girl.

But because of this recent discovery that my plans to make people more aware of their own stupidity by offending them has failed, I have decided to do what the students at my ex-alma mater (Boston University) do best: Not care.

I mean, if you think about it, having opinions will only get you in trouble. If you ever speak your mind in this country, someone's bound to disagree, and nobody likes disagreements. It's so much more fun to have everyone agree about everything! Have you ever been to a KKK rally? They're a blast! I'm tellin' ya, you haven't seen till you've seen a cross burn while chomping on baby back ribs chanting about the white power. Sure, those guys have opinions, but they are all united under one common opinion.

With that in mind, I have decided to make everybody in the world my new friend. Howdy, new friend! I like what you like, believe what you believe, and think whatever you think! I'm voting for Gore and Bush just to piss nobody off! That's the kind of self-sacrificing kind of guy that I am.

Come on in, new friend! Take off your shoes! Put them on my gray carpet! Would you like something to drink? A glass of milk, perhaps? Oh, you don't drink milk because you're vegan? Well, me neither! Perhaps you would like some Silk Soy™ milk? It tastes almost like it was brutally extracted from one of mother nature's great creations! Plus it has more protein! Now what should we do? Perhaps we should take in a motion picture? No, I as well dislike passive activities! Perhaps we should sit and enjoy our soy beverages and play a game of chess? Not that I like chess, because as we both know it only upholds stereotypes of the ancient chinese aristocracy. Not that I dislike the Chinese. Or communism. Unless you dislike communism. Which you do. As do I. Darn pink-os! When are they going to realize that McDonalds™ belongs in the good old U.S. of A! Not that I have ever eaten there...

Oh, sure, there may be a lot of nay-sayers out there who think that my new attitude of apathy and overkill kindness may ruin the Complaint's reputation, and to those people I say, "I agree! Let's go get some sugared iced soy product!"

See you next time, new friends!