I Wish I Was Gay

Author's Note: This column is set to appear in the December issue of the Echo, but apparently there are going to have to be some language changes because it's too "vulgar" or something, according to my editor; I don't know, I wasn't really listening. Anyway, this is it in its non-censored, raw form. ---A.T.


This month's issue is about sex, and try as I might, I really couldn't find anything remotely humorous to write about sex. I mean, really, all talk of sex does is make people feel uncomfortable.

Cunt.

See? I bet a lot of you out there can't believe that I actually wrote that. The fact of the matter is, sex is a natural function of the human body that needs to be satisfied, like hunger or thirst; words like "cunt," "pussy," or "throbbing hard erection" should not be as taboo as they are. People should stop getting hung up on sex as something that is inherently wrong. It's there, and it will always be there.

Something else that irks me about people's feelings toward sex is people's feelings about sexual orientation. It may just be that I have a grown up in a very open-minded environment, but I have been taught to never judge people based on their sexual orientation. Homosexuals and bisexuals are just like heterosexuals, with the difference that they are attracted to the same sex, or just about everyone, respectively. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, as a heterosexual male, I could see quite a few advantages to taking on the homosexual lifestyle.

Everybody knows that men and women think differently. Most people, however, do not understand how the opposite sex thinks. A friend of mine once gave me the ultimate example of the difference between men and women's thought patterns. I have found this to be foolproof. Here's the scenario: A man and a woman who are romantically involved are at a party. They are drinking punch. They both have just finished their punch.
Man: Boy, that was some good punch.
What the man is actually thinking: Boy, this is some good punch.
Woman: Boy, that was some good punch.
What the woman is actually thinking: By proclaiming that this punch is good, I am implying that you, my boyfriend, should offer to go get me more punch, thereby displaying to me that you are thoughtful and sensitive to my desires.

Women think on a much deeper level than men. They are always looking for a deeper meaning in what men are saying. Men do not realize this, and that is why we break out in a state of confusion when we say something like, "That woman on TV is attractive" and our significant others get angry. All men mean when they say "That woman on TV is attractive" is "That woman on TV is attractive." We do not mean "That woman on TV makes you look like a freshly opened can of dog food about to have its sickening meat poured into a dog's food bowl that hasn't been washed in six months."

For this reason, I wish I were gay. Imagine having a partner who thought going to a baseball game was romantic. A partner who never guessed that when you say "Will you help me wash the car?" you really mean "I think of you as nothing more than a woman who will do my domestic chores for me."

Of course, there's all that bigotry and prejudice from uneducated, closed-minded morons, but that's a different column all together.

Vagina.

11 December 2000